Tiger Woods Moves Into Fortress of Solitude

On Monday, Tiger Woods announced on his blog ( that his ex-wife Elin retains the rights to his 7,000-foot home in Isleworth as part of the divorce, so he’ll be moving into a new home in Jupiter, Florida, made entirely of golf courses and sadness. Woods previously tried living in Mars, Florida, but his ex-girlfriend teleported up there to convince him that human life mattered, and everything went to Hell.

“I’m excited about that and even more excited about my new practice facility. It’s phenomenal. Working with my team, I designed the short-game facility and oversaw its construction. It features four greens, six bunkers with different depths and kinds of sand, a video center and a putting studio. If no wind is blowing, the longest club I can hit is a 7-iron. It’s also set up so I can hit shots out of my second-story studio.”

This sounds like the coolest home ever designed by me in middle school. I think mine had a moat, and a detachable space shuttle like the Serenity that allowed me to fly away when my parents visited. Tiger will now have the ability to hit golf balls into a lonely abyss while in his underwear surrounded by slapped, thrown-around and freshly urinated-upon porn stars. He won’t have to see his kids or anything! Hashtag, winning!

The blog update gave no word on whether or not Earl Woods will be able to communicate to his son via the home’s enormous crystal structures.