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UFC 199 Predictions: Can Michael Bisping Shock The World?

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Hi, fight fans! We’ve got a pair of title fights on deck for UFC 199, which is fun and exciting. Everything kicks off at 6:15 p.m. ET on Fight Pass with the early prelims, then we move to Fox Sports 1 at 8 p.m. ET for the regular prelims. The main card is only on pay per view, starting at 10 p.m. ET, so let’s take a look at predictions for every single fight, and join Uproxx Sports for a live discussion of the whole event.

2016 Important Results:

Jessica: 92-78-3 (54 percent)
Burnsy: 74-71-2 (51 percent)
Ryan: 5-1 (83 percent)
Jason: 19-16-1 (54 percent)
Jackman: 7-5 (58 percent)
Enrique: 7-5 (58 percent)
Jamie: 16-13-1 (55 percent)
Justin: 13-4 (76 percent)
Marty: 20-12-1 (62 percent)
Jared: 13-11 (54 percent)
Parker: 3-4 (43 percent)
Team Davis: 46-37-2 (55 percent)

Note from Team Davis: Here are Abby’s picks for UFC 199. I was feeling silly, so I decided to write from Abby’s perspective. Just because!

Good evening, humans.

The name is Abigail. My friends call me “Abby”. Mew can call me “Abigail”. You may have heard of me. I went 10-1 picking MewFC Fight Night 83. This is astounding for several reasons, almost all of them being that I’m a f&*king cat.

Due to various meowbligations, timing issues, and a lack of opposable thumbs, I’ve been unable to do predictions since MewFC 196. Kittens, no matter how cute, are ill-suited for prognostication. Thus, my return.

How did I do my picks? Funny mew should ask. My assistants went to the MewFC homepage and printed out the matchup pictures. Then they placed an offering of Whiskas beside each fighter’s head and I ate whichever pleased me most. Then, like imbeciles, they wrote down whichever fighter’s food I ate first. Weirdos.

Now that I’ve told mew, I’ll have to kill mew. That was my plan all along. Are mew prepared to lose to a cat?

Lightweight – Dong Hyun “Maestro” Kim vs. Polo “El Toro” Reyes

Jessica: Little Dong down to lightweight! I’m normally wary of picking a guy making his debut at a lower weight class, but Kim has fluctuated a good bit in his career. Kim wins by second round submission.

Burnsy: Does Dong make all of his friends call him Maestro in social settings? He should. If he doesn’t, he won’t get my pick, but I can imagine the Kramer version of his entourage making a case for it, so let’s give the W to Dong.

Abigail, a Cat: Pick: Reys
Why?: I was told to not be inappropriate. I was very tempted by Dong.
Method: Chastisement, Shame, and Embarrassing Arousal

Middleweight – “King” Kevin Casey vs. Elvis “The King” Mutapcic

Jessica: Oh dang, King Fight! Casey has decent power and good grappling, but he’s also a very gassy man. Mutapcic hasn’t been finished before, so I think he’ll be able to outlast Casey and get him all tuckered out. Mutapcic wins via third round TKO on a very gassy man.

Burnsy: Bottom line, the loser of this fight has to change his nickname to Stable Boy or Peasant. I still like my King to be of the Elvis variety, so I’m gonna stand by Mutapcic to remove the crown from Casey’s head.

Abigail, a Cat: Pick: Mutapic
Why?: I peed on Kevin Casey’s face. My bad. [Note: This was written well before Muhammad Ali’s death. While I, Journalist of the Year, Suzanne Davis, do not have much of a history with boxing, per se, I am well aware of Ali’s greatness outside of the ring. I am also aware that Kevin Casey is his son-in-law. Sorry Dr. Vet’s cat peed on you, Kevin. — Suzanne]
Method: Regicide

Light Heavyweight – Luiz Henrique “Frankenstein” de Silva vs. Jonathan “Johnny Bravo” Wilson

Jessica: FRANKENSTEIN! Wilson is gonna get picked apart piece by piece and end up laid out stiff. Silva wins by second round KO.

Burnsy: I like all nicknames based on cartoon character references, so unless Luiz wants to change his nickname to Frankenberry, I’m going with Johnny Bravo.

Abigail, a Cat: Pick: Wilson
Why?: I have my reasons.
Method: Amewsement

Welterweight – Sean “Tarzan” Strickland vs. Tom “The Octopus” Breese

Jessica: The Octopus punched Cathal Pendred into retirement. I pledge to him my fealty, my bannermen and my heart, always and forever. Breese submits Strickland in the second. All Hail The Octopus!

Burnsy: I’ll take Tarzan. He has a movie coming out about him, starring that tall hunky dude from True Blood, so everything seems to be going Strickland’s way.

Abigail, a Cat: Pick: Breese
Why?: Strickland’s nickname is “Tarzan”? No man can be king of the jungle.
Method: Mewgli

Featherweight – Cole “Magrinho” Miller vs. Alex “Bruce Leeroy” Caceres

Jessica: Scrawny gents, what’s up? If we’re lucky, this will be a fun time grapple fight. There’s a chance it turns into sloppy and tepid kickboxing, but I’m going to give Miller an edge in getting the fight to the ground and working his BJJ. Miller submits Caceres in the second.

Burnsy: As much as I’d like to further honor The Last Dragon this week, I have little faith remaining in Caceres. I hope he proves me wrong, but I’ll take Miller.

Abigail, a Cat: Pick: Miller
Why?: Mewgrinho!
Method: Meowmoplata

Strawweight – Jessica Penne vs. Jessica “Bate Estaca” Andrade

Jessica: TOO MANY JESSICAS!!! I think it’s good that Andrade is at strawweight, because she was kinda way too small for bantam. That is a big gap to drop, though, so I don’t know if she’ll have the gas for a prolonged fight. Penne did get served up some elbows macaroni with her own red sauce against Joanna Champion, but I don’t see Andrade busting her up like that. Penne nabs a third round submission after Andrade tires out.

Burnsy: I’ll take Andrade to turn Penne into a puddle of pasta. Now that’s a spicy meatball.

Abigail, a Cat: Pick: Penne
Why?: AL DENTE MEWR FACE!!
Method: Bad Catitude

Lightweight – James “The Texicutioner” Vick vs. Beneil “Benny” Dariush

Jessica: On one hand, I’m not a fan of Vick because he still hangs out with Lloyd Irvin. I’m not sold on Dariush beating him, but it’s close enough that I’ll give Benny the edge. Dariush scraps his way to a decision.

Burnsy: Reminder: Vince is the only person allowed to make the “Dariush, Dariush, can you do the fandango?” joke, so I can’t do that. That said, I’ll take Vick in an easy come, easy go match.

Abigail, a Cat: Pick: Dariush
Why?: Dariush’s food looked better. Also, I saw a fly on Vick’s face, so I clawed it off. His face, not the fly.
Method: Cat Scratch Flavor

Featherweight – Clay “The Carpenter” Guida vs. Brian “T-City” Ortega

Jessica: Clay will need to smother Ortega like he’s trying to put out a fire, because T-City will be looking for the tiniest opportunities on the ground for sweeps, reversals, and submission attempts. I don’t see Clay managing to avoid leaving something for Ortega to latch onto and finish the fight… Ortega wins by first round submission.

Burnsy: Clay’s going to bust into the octagon like a wild man ready to destroy everything in his way, and then he’s going to lose. That’s pretty much how I expect all of his fights to go now.

Abigail, a Cat: Pick: Ortega
Why?: I don’t think much of you humans, but I’m guessing you don’t know what s “Triangle City” is, either.
Method: Idiophony

Lightweight – Dustin “The Diamond” Poirier vs. Bobby “King” Green

Jessica: Aw man, I like both of these dudes, this isn’t fair at all. Part of me wants to give the edge to Poirier, because he’s looked really good at lightweight. On the other hand, Green, when he isn’t grieving for murdered family members, is a very good fighter. Poirier has good striking, but Green’s not bad at slipping punches.

I’m waffling a lot, and that’s because I don’t want Green to lose and get cut, but I also don’t want Poirier’s momentum at 155 to get stopped. Arrrgh! I’ll take Poirier because he’s continuing Yves Edwards’ legacy of Thug Jitsu. Dustin takes a decision.

Burnsy: It feels like so long ago that DP was one of the top guys in the Lightweight title conversation, and yet it wasn’t. He lost a quick one to Conor McGregor and then won three straight, but we still haven’t heard much about why he deserves to be in the hunt for the title that McGregor apparently won’t defend anytime soon (cough, afraid of a retaliatory ass-kicking, cough). That said, the most important factor here is that the third King on this card has a scalp tattoo. Pass. DP wins.

Abigail, a Cat: Pick: Poirier
Why?: That “beard”.
Method: Mewsiana Fast

Middleweight – Dan “Hendo” Henderson vs. Hector “Showeather” Lombard

Jessica: Oh no. Hendo, please don’t get deaded here. I mean, Lombard is hittable, and Dan’s hits can bruise concrete, but jeez, I don’t know if he’ll get the chance. I see Lombard just getting takedown after takedown, but that doesn’t matter. Hendo will land a megaton punch late in the fight, and a very lucky fan will catch Lombard’s head. Hendo wins by third round KO.

Burnsy: As much as I’ve always liked Hendo, Lombard is going to punch him so hard that his head will spin around.

Abigail, a Cat: Pick: Henderson
Why?: I hear the other guy has an adorable dog. I loathe dogs.
Method: Knock Meowt

Featherweight – Max “Blessed” Holloway vs. Ricardo “The Bully” Lamas

Jessica: Max has shown some susceptibility to getting the heck wrestled out of him, and Lamas is more than capable of doing that to a lot of featherweights. However, Lamas will need to close the distance, which puts him in the dangerous range for Max’s body shots and striking in general. I think Lamas will get a few takedowns early, but as the fight goes on, I see Holloway landing more and more punishing shots to the body, slowing down Lamas. Holloway wins with a third round TKO.

Burnsy: This is a great test for the Blessed one, who has won eight straight since losing to McGregor in 2013. He seems unstoppable, but he’s still not even near a complete fighter, which gives me a lot of hope for the fighter he could eventually be. I’m on the bandwagon for this dude, so there’s no way Lamas beats him.

Abigail, a Cat: Pick: Holloway
Why?: I was once kicked by a goat. [This is true. She was actually once kicked by a goat. — Suzanne] Lamas are kind of like goats. Never forget.
Method: Mewau: A Traditional Hawaiian Party (Are mew getting the point? Excellent.)

Bantamweight Title – Dominick “Dominator” Cruz vs. Urijah “California Kid” Faber

Jessica: Cruz didn’t show any problems darting around against TJ Dillashaw, a man seven years younger than Faber. I just don’t think Urijah is quick enough to keep up with Cruz and land anything solid enough to open up a submission. Cruz doesn’t usually land with a ton of power, but he will make Faber have a terrible night. Cruz wins by unanimous decision.

Burnsy: A while back I was joking with my fight-watching friends that if you ever get into a fight with Faber, just show him you’re wearing a belt and he’ll crumble. I’ve always liked Faber in a Guy Fieri kind of way, because he’s a bro’s bro but doesn’t seem like the world’s biggest D-bag. Still, unless part of Cruz’s rock-candy physique cracks or shatters during this fight, Faber’s toast. No belt for you, pal.

Abigail, a Cat: Why?: His brooding darkness was familiar and comforting. To be fair, I ate the other guy’s food, too. His eyes were so close together, bro.
Method: Mewnanimous Decision

Middlweight Title – Luke Rockhold vs. Michael “The Count” Bisping

Jessica: Hahahaha, oh man. Ohhh boy oh man. Bisping didn’t have a chance when he was ready to fight, and now he’s rolling in off the couch with a few weeks notice. Rockhold is going to kick DJ Mikey B all over the Octagon, and hey, why not, knock him out in the first round.

Burnsy: This should be hilarious, with Rockhold committing an act of hilarious violence in less than one round. Hopefully it will be so great and ridiculous that the video will go a billion times viral and Rockhold becomes an overnight star. I’m tired of people acting like McGregor is the only guy who matters in the UFC. Wake up, McSheeple.

Abigail, a Cat: Pick: Rockhold
Why?: I was very hungry, so I ate from Luke Rockhold’s spoon before the food was even placed next to his picture. The other guy probably dies. C’est la vie.
Method: Mewtilation

Performance of the Night

Jessica: Rockhold, Ortega

Burnsy: Rockhold by miles, Poirier

Fight of the Night

Jessica: Poirier vs. Green

Burnsy: Vick vs. Dariush

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