Saturday night sees a big slate of fights as UFC on Fox 13 kicks off at 3:30 PM ET on Fight Pass. That is crazy early, so let’s dive right into the picks!
Important Standings of Note:
Jessica: 283-164-3 (63%)
Burnsy: 273-173-4 (61%)
Vince: 137-84-1 (62%)
Danny: 161-77-1 (67%)
Spilled: 70-50-2 (58%)
Sydnie: 16-12 (57%)
Chris: 25-9 (74%)
NY Ric: 36-26-1 (57%)
Ghost: 6-7 (46%)
Seth: 8-3 (73%)
Biss: 13-8-1 (59%)
Bantamweight – Anthony “El Toro” Birchak vs Ian “Enty” Entwistle
Jessica: Ents are notoriously slow, so I expect Birchak to be quicker and submit Ian in the second round.
Seth: You want in-depth analysis on Ian “Enty” Entwistle vs. Anthony “Wow, My Opponent Really Phoned in His Nickname, Huh?” Birchak? That’s nice. Instead, allow me to point out how criminally underrated Christmas At Luke’s Sex Shop is; it’s easily the best Christmas album of all time and why are you even trying to debate me on this when the album opens with this….
(Oh, I need to make a pick? Birchak wins, probably. I don’t know [or care, to be completely honest]).
Spilled: Birchak via following me on Twitter.
Burnsy: Birchak, because he follows Spilled on Twitter.
Bantawmeight – Henry “The Messenger” Cejudo vs Dustin “The Diamond” Kimura
Jessica: Cejudo is the real top-shelf wrestling prospect people should be talking about, but whatever. He’s going to wrassle the bejesus outta Kimura and TKO him in the third.
Seth: Talk about a trap pick here: Do I buy into the Cejudo hype – despite all of the red flags – or do I actually predict that Dustin Kimura is going to go out and secure a victory? Well, I’ll take a gulp from the Cejudo Kool Aid this time and predict a swift, decisive victory. WHEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Spilled: Kimura via having a submission as a last name.
Vince: Kimura has some solid victories for sure (Chico Camus), but I have to take the Olympian over the guy coming off a loss to George Roop.
Burnsy: I’ve never liked Dustin the Diamond, all because of his nickname, and I’ve made no secret of that. I will take Cejudo to deliver that message. GET IT?!?!?!
Lightweight – David “Bulldawg” Michaud vs Garett “Goodnight” Whitely
Jessica: Arf arf arf, Bulldawg takes a second round KO
Seth: David, your nickname is ‘Bulldawg.’ You already lost.
Spilled: Michaud via folowing me on twitter.
Vince: No idea, I’m picking Michaud, because he’s younger, has never lost to Vinc Pichel, and almost shares his name with David Michod, writer of Animal Kingdom, which was awesome.
Burnsy: Goodnight will make the Bulldawg say, “Goodni… ouch, bro.”
Lightweight – Joe “Excalibur” Ellenberger vs Bryan Barberena
Jessica: Bar-bar-bar-barerna is going to get out wrestled and ground and poundedly TKO’d in the third by the smaller Ellenberger.
Seth: WHEEEEEEE THE CEJUDO KOOL AID IS CAUSING ME TO ACTUALLY CARE ENOUGH ABOUT THIS FIGHT TO PREDICT ELLENBERGER WINS IT WHEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!
Spilled: Ellenberger via Bergerbomb. (I don’t really know what that means either)
Vince: No idea. But I enjoy that Barberena’s name rhymes with “Macarena.” Heeyyy, Baberena. Also, he’s taller. I will take the underdog, Barberena, because why not.
Burnsy: Coin flip time, and I’m taking Barberena.
Middleweight – Ed “Short Fuse” Herman vs Derek Brunson
Jessica: Hey look, it’s dudes what have lost to Jacare Souza! Brunson is going to take a bad beat here because I still like to pretend he’s old man poker player Doyle Brunson. Anyway, Herman takes a decision.
Seth: I think Brunson is the better fighter, but every time I bet against Ed Herman it ends up haunting me. Eh, I’m not going to start “making good life decisions” and “learning from my mistakes” now. Brunson for the W.
Spilled: Brunson via snuggles & cuddles.
Vince: Herman is super well-rounded and only seems to lose to ultra high level BJJ guys – Jacare, Demian Maia, Thales Leites. That said, he’s giving up a lot of reach and athleticism here. Brunson.
Burnsy: I’m already really underwhelmed by this card. I’ll take Pee Wee Herman, I guess.
Lightweight – Jamie “C-4” Varner vs Drew Dober
Jessica: I really don’t like Jamie Varner, but dang it, I think he’s better than Dober. Varner takes a decision
Seth: During this fight, Fate will run out of creative ways to screw over Varner. He’ll actually end up beating the vastly inferior opponent he’s across the cage from tomorrow night.
Spilled: Dober via Varner blowing me off for an interview.
Vince: I hate Varner surprisingly little for being a ‘Zonie with star tats. He really won me over with that Edson Barboza win. Plus that loss via ankle injury had to have pissed him off. Varner.
Burnsy: Wow, a true pink slip fight. Dober has only lost his last two, whereas Varner has lost three. I’ll take Dober to send him packing his bags.
Welterweight – Joe “Diesel” Riggs vs Ben “Killa B” Saunders
Jessica: LETS MUTHERF*CKERS! Saunders is going to wrap up Riggs in his deadly Muay Thai clinch and knee Joe’s face off in the first round.
Seth: Ben Saunders. Joe Riggs. In the UFC. In 2014. And I’m actually looking forward to watching it. May the Grace of the Lord be with us all (and may Ben Saunders walk away victorious, because now really isn’t a good time for my bookie to break my other kneecap).
Spilled: Saunders via Wu-Tang-esque nickname.
Vince: Joe Riggs vs. Ben Saunders, damn, it’s like I’ve died and gone to 2010. At this point Joe Riggs is more scar tissue than man, not that he isn’t still dangerous. Still, Killa B. is 6’6″. I’m thinking it’s either Killa B picking Diesel apart from the outside or a wrestle-f*cking by Riggs. I’m leaning towards Saunders.
Burnsy: How is Riggs only 32? He’s fought 54 times! The dude’s last UFC win was in 2006 against Jason Von Flue. This guy fought at Couture vs. Liddell 2 and 3 (Fun fact: He beat Nick Diaz at 3). In fighter years, Riggs is 5-fucking-hundred years old. Whatever, I’m obviously picking Saunders, because ORLANDO sticks together, son.
Flyweight – John Moraga vs Willie “Whoop Ass” Gates
Jessica: I really want to pick Gates based on that nickname, but I think Moraga will out-grapple him and win a decision.
Seth: LOL, do I even have to type Moraga?
Spilled: Moraga via Gates not even having a pic on ufc.com.
Vince: Willie Whoop Ass Gates is an incredible name, but I’m going to give the edge here to the guy with the Wikipedia page.
Burnsy: Whoop Ass is basically Glass Joe. He should be fighting CM, I mean Phil Brooks. Moraga.
Strawweight – Claudia “Claudinha” Gedelha vs Joanna Jedrzejczyk
Jessica: This should determine the next strawweight contender, and I think Gadelha’s going to BJJ all over Joanna (Not going to spell that last name again). Claudia takes a decision
Seth: It’s beatings like the one that Jedrzejczyk is about to put on Gadelha that make me feel really, really uncomfortable about how many “Men’s Rights” types watch this stuff.
Spilled: Gadelha via more wins & more finishes. Though Joanna Jedrzejczyk’s name is worth a shitload more in scrabble.
Vince: I guess I kinda remember Gedelha’s last fight? I don’t remember it being that impressive, but then, youngest black belt in Nova Uniao history or something like that, right? That has to count for something. I can’t trust that Je-lotsOfConsonants has faced or could handle the kind of ground game Gedelha is bringing. Gedelha.
Burnsy: I’ll go ahead and say Gudelha wins, just so we have as many misspellings of her name as possible.
Heavyweight – Matt “Meathead” Mitrione vs Gabriel “Napao” Gonzaga
Jessica: Mitrione is a garbage person, so I want him to lose. Gonzaga is going to submit him in the second round.
Seth: Did you know that Matt Mitrione used to play NFL? You did?! WOW!!! That’s totally not something that gets brought up fifty times per fight every time he is in the cage! He will lame football pun Gonzaga caveman reference while I’m busy making hot chocolate.
Spilled: Mitrione via I dunno this is a gut pick.
Vince: I was impressed as hell with Mitrione’s wins over Shawn Jordan and Derrick Lewis, but let’s face it, he’s never beat anyone even close to Gonzaga’s level. Gonzaga.
Burnsy: I saw Gonzaga at Sea World one time, so I pick him.
Heavyweight – Alistair “Demolition Man” Overeem vs Stefan “Skyscraper” Struve
Jessica: Reem is great at starting strong and then crumbling. Struve tends to get beat up in the first and then win in the second. I’m expecting Overeem to hit Struve a few times, knock him around, but ultimately get submitted in the second.
Seth: I really have to agree with my Cagepotato colleague Jared Jones on this fight: Overeem is once again grossly underestimating an oppnent, which is once again going to lead to him being knocked out in highly embarrassing fashion.
Spilled: Overeem via Struve’s long layoff & Reem being scary… but I dunno. to state the obvious, the longer the fight goes, the more it favors Struve. If Reem has a great first round and Struve survives Reem might get cocky, sloppy like he does.
Vince: Overeem has always seemed like a cocky prick, so it was always fun watching him get beat by an underdog. Now that he’s not such a favorite I’m not sure how I feel. With Struve, who knows? He’s gotten destroyed by a few power punchers (Hunt, Brown, Nelson, Dos Santos) and he’s weathered the storm to get wins over a few (Miocic, Lavar Johnson, Pat Barry). Shruggy guy emoticon here. Who’s more of a headcase at this point? Who knows. I’ll take Overeem by coin flip.
Burnsy: I’m taking Struve because I can’t stand Overeem.
Lightweight – Rafael dos Anjos vs Nate Diaz
Jessica: Stockton 209, what?! Diaz is going to Stockton Slap RDA, get a third round TKO and then hopefully call out CM Punk.
Seth: My heart says Nate Diaz. Then again, my heart also says “Be a hack journalist who actually drinks that non-alcoholic SoCo eggnog at Christmastime,” so…maybe don’t bet the farm on it, okay?
Spilled: Diaz via Stockton 209 whut!
Vince: Did anyone see Dos Anjos beating Bendo? That was nuts. I’ll be rooting for my Central Valley homie Nate Diaz (I grew up in the 209! And then it split into the 559! Cool story, huh!), but I can’t pick against Dos Anjos on the streak he’s on. Also, he beat Cerrone, who’s kind of like a whiter Diaz bro anyway.
Burnsy: Nate wins this one and then Nick wins Anderson Silva’s return fight, and then they’re both somehow title contenders because they’re the best at talking shit and the UFC is crazy like that.
Heavyweight – Junior “Cigano” Dos Santos vs Stipe Miocic
Jessica: JDS needs to get revenge on Stipe for what he did to Fabio Maldonado. Dos Santos is going to KO Miocic in the first.
Seth: The heavyweight division is essentially a three-man race between Cain, dos Santos and Werdum. As much as I like Stipe Miocic, he’s not beating dos Santos.
Spilled: Miocic via I love that guy. JDS is a tough fight definitely Stipe’s toughest but it’s a winnable fight. No way I’m picking against my pal Stipe. I think he can beat JDS by following Cain’s blueprint.
Vince: That Miocic has three straight wins over Nelson, Gonzaga, and Fabio Maldonado is no joke. That he has also has his lone loss, a TKO to Stefan Struve, is… a red herring? Look, I don’t think the heavyweight division is weak, like some people are saying, it’s just that it’s so clearly defined. Velasquez is at the top, JDS is a close second, then there’s a big gap, and then there’s everyone else. Miocic is probably in the top one or two heavyweights behind Velasquez and Dos Santos, but I don’t think he’s on JDS’s level. Dos Santos.
Burnsy: I’m picking Miocic, because I don’t want Cain to get back, win his title and then somehow face Dos Santos again. It’ll happen eventually, but heavyweight needs a new hype.
Fight of the Night
Jessica: Claudia vs Joanna
Burnsy: Diaz vs dos Anjos
Performance of the Night
Jessica: Saunders, Struve
Burnsy: Overeem (until it’s over… turned), Miocic