In February 2007, a sex tape that Kim Kardashian made with Ray J “leaked” online. Eight months later, Keeping Up with the Kardashians premiered on E! Before the world saw Kim Kardashian: Superstar, Kim was probably best known as O.J. Simpson’s goddaughter, not a “f*cking idiot” (we’ll get to that) who built an entire vapid empire that’s worth $65 million. Great business person; terrible actual person. But what if the sex tape never came out and Kim didn’t became one of the most recognizable celebrities on the planet? Then these 34 (in honor of her birthday) no-good things might never have happened.
1. Nine seasons and counting of Keeping Up with the Kardashians
2. Three seasons of Kourtney and Kim Take Miami
3. Two seasons of Khloé & Lamar
4. Two seasons of Kourtney and Kim Take New York
5. Sixteen episodes of Kris
6. Any seasons of For the Love of Ray J
10. Not that Aurora…
11. “Catch Kim Kardashian in Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer’s Disaster Movie!”
12. Jon Hamm wouldn’t need to waste his breathe and call Kim a “f*cking idiot.”
13. Kim Kardashian’s Va-Va-Vanilla Cupcake Mix
14. Rumors linking her to Tim Tebow and Mark Sanchez (sadly not at the same time)
15. A woman spending $30,000 on plastic surgery to look like Kim
16. Kris Humphries being a household name for 72 days.
17. Everything about these sentences: “[Kim and Kris] were paid almost $18 million to get married. $15M for E! to televise it, $2.5M for exclusive photo rights to People Magazine, $300K for exclusive engagement announcement to People, $100K for bridal shower to OK!, and $50K for the bachelorette party in Las Vegas. Then you figure in the freebies: $400K of Perrier Jouet Champagne, three $20K Vera Wang gowns, a $15K wedding cake, $10K in lavish invitations, and more — all free.”
19. The infamous ugly sofa dress
20. Kim and her sisters texting during the VMAs tribute to Ferguson
21. This headline
22. This video.
23. Honey Boo Boo’s family as the Kardashians
24. Nearly $200 million in revenue from the hedonistic Kim Kardashian: Hollywood app
25. Terrible people being upset when the app isn’t working
26. That time she compared her sham marriage and subsequent divorce to cancer: “We had done filming our season at that point, so we decided to film for the wedding. And that was a decision that [Kris Humphries] and I made together. But I think that, with any decisions in life, like, I spoke to a girl today who had cancer and we were talking about how this is such a hard thing for her, but it taught her a big lesson on who her friends are and so much about life. She’s 18. And I was like, that’s how I feel.”
28. To the surprise of no one, her diet pills are total malarkey
29. Gamblers betting on the name of Kim and Kanye’s spawn
30. This GIF
31. And this one
32. Oh, and don’t forget about this one
33. One more
34. Actually, I’m legitimately grateful this exists. Thanks, Kim!