Happy Hundred, Dickwads: One Life Lesson From Every ‘It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia’ Episode

Somehow, someway, this little comedy about a group of lovable assholes who own a bar in Philadelphia will air its 100th episode tonight. Yes, after “The Gang Saves the Day,” we’ll have spent more than 50 hours with the Gang of FXX’s It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia, and unlike most shows that reach the 100-episode milestone, there are no signs of it creatively slowing down. I think “The Gang Tries Desperately to Win an Award” proved that.

In honor of one hundred schemes, one hundred arguments, one hundred instances of emotional trauma, I took a look back at every episode of It’s Always Sunny, to see what kind of lessons can be learned from Dennis, Dee, Mac, Charlie, and Frank. There’s a whole lot of depravity. Sweet, beautiful depravity.

“The Gang Gets Racist” — There is nothing less interesting than other people’s dreams.

“Charlie Wants an Abortion” — Ask the big questions.

“Underage Drinking: A National Concern” — Relive your high school days as an adult.

“Charlie Has Cancer” — Never sneak up behind a friend or stranger, or else.

“Gun Fever” — Make good decisions at night so you can walk proudly in the morning.

“The Gang Finds a Dead Guy” — Poking a body with a stick is the only way to see if its dead or not.

“Charlie Got Molested” — Brothers can be uncomfortably close.

“Charlie Gets Crippled” — Playing the “Vietnam War Card” works in strip clubs.

“The Gang Goes Jihad” — Do not throw truth bombs back at the truth bombers.

“Dennis and Dee Go on Welfare” — Welfare is the cause of, and solution to, all of life’s problems.

“Mac Bangs Dennis’ Mom” — When you need to act menacing, turn off the lights, except for one lamp.

“Hundred Dollar Baby” — Steroids will turn you into a lovely person.

“The Gang Gives Back” — Red Bulls are better hydration than water.

“The Gang Exploits a Miracle” — We’re all gay for God.

“The Gang Runs for Office” – Only low life pieces of sh*t get involved in politics.

“Charlie Goes America All Over Everybody’s Ass” — America: f*ck yeah.

“Dennis and Dee Get a New Dad” — Shooting a guy in the face > being his friend.

“The Gang Finds a Dumpster Baby” — White babies are so 10 years ago.

“The Gang Gets Invincible” — How to have the perfect day.

“Dennis and Dee’s Mom Is Dead” — When you’re committing a crime, gotta wear shoe polish.

“The Gang Gets Held Hostage” — A true bro looks in another bro’s butt.

“The Aluminum Monster vs. Fatty Magoo” — Only you can encourage yourself.

“The Gang Solves the North Korea Situation” — Bathrooms are pirate homes.

“The Gang Sells Out” — Sarcasm is an effective form of communication.

“Frank Sets Sweet Dee on Fire” — Prove your braveness by throwing cats down a well.

“Sweet Dee’s Dating a Retarded Person” — Huffing spray paint is how beautiful art happens.

“Mac is a Serial Killer” — You don’t need to go to law school if you know lawyer speak.

“Dennis Looks Like a Registered Sex Offender” — Everyone has a sex offender doppelgänger.

“The Gang Gets Whacked” — Cocaine is a hell of a drug.

“Bums: Making a Mess All Over the City” — No matter where you rest, you’re sitting in bum jizz.

“The Gang Dances Their Asses Off” — Sedative brownies are the key to dance contests.

“Mac and Dennis: Manhunters” — Excitement can be measured by the hardness of one’s nipples.

“The Gang Solves the Gas Crisis” — Why beat around the bush when you can be explicit?

“America’s Next Top Paddy’s Billboard Model Contest” — How to design the perfect billboard.

“Mac’s Banging the Waitress” — Eat all the pizza, drink all the beer.

“Mac and Charlie Die” — Set your suicide video to a Bon Jovi song.

“Who Pooped the Bed?” — Everything gets put on hold when someone poops the bed.

“Paddy’s Pub: The Worst Bar in Philadelphia” — I mean, if you order Chardonnay at a bar…

“Dennis Reynolds: An Erotic Life” — Do NOT f*ck with Rob Thomas or Sinbad.

“Sweet Dee Has a Heart Attack” — There. Is. No. Pepe. Silvia.

“The Gang Cracks the Liberty Bell” — Meryl Streep is the female George Washington.

“The Gang Gets Extreme: Home Makeover Edition” — Live life to the EXTREME.

“The Nightman Cometh” — Gasps over laughs, bro.

“The Gang Exploits the Mortgage Crisis” — First you use the vinegar, then you add the honey.

“The Gang Hits the Road” — You gotta have the sticker when you’re eating a pear.

“The Great Recession” — When you lose your money, suicide.

“The Gang Gives Frank an Intervention” — Get rid of people by throwing salt at them.

“The Waitress Is Getting Married” — Order only the finest meals on the menu.

“The World Series Defense” — What’s the point of sports if you’re not drunk?

“The Gang Wrestles for the Troops” — Honor the troops by buying them only the finest jean shorts.

“Paddy’s Pub: Home of the Original Kitten Mittens” — There is nothing louder than a stomping kitten.

“Mac and Dennis Break Up” — Smoke cigarettes to make yourself vomit.

“The D.E.N.N.I.S. System” — Just read the scene.

“Mac and Charlie Write a Movie” — Crime stinks.

“The Gang Reignites the Rivalry” — Intimidate your foes through gasoline and fire.

“Mac Fights Gay Marriage” — There’s nothing gay about two dudes getting married.

“Dennis Gets Divorced” — Pony up the dough for a good lawyer.

“The Gang Buys a Boat” — Wacky waving inflatable arm-flailing tubemen will pay for themselves. In fun.

“Mac’s Big Break” — Mass and flexibility do not go hand in hand.

“Mac and Charlie: White Trash” — There’s nothing white trash about being in abandoned pool.

“Mac’s Mom Burns Her House Down” — All animals want to eat your face off.

“Who Got Dee Pregnant?” — Luigi is an asshole.

“The Gang Gets a New Member” — Being added to a group requires a sacred ceremony.

“Dee Reynolds: Shaping America’s Youth” — That’s pretty racist.

“Charlie Kelly: King of the Rats” — We’re all trapped like rats.

“The Gang Gets Stranded in the Woods” — Fresh air tastes kind of gross.

“Dee Gives Birth” — It’s nothing but penis and butt talk on the Internet.

“A Very Sunny Christmas” — Santa might have f*cked your mom.

“Frank’s Pretty Woman” — True love is dying during a marriage proposal.

“The Gang Goes to the Jersey Shore” — Ain’t no party like a rum ham party ’cause a rum ham party don’t stop.

“Frank Reynolds’ Little Beauties” — When hosting a pageant, make sure to say you don’t diddle kids.

“Sweet Dee Gets Audited” — There’s no beating the system.

“Frank’s Brother” — When you’ve got a bowl cut, you always look 12.

“The Storm of the Century” — 3D boobies is news.

“Chardee MacDennis: The Game of Games” — Take care of and pride in your art.

“The ANTI-Social Network” — When police sketch artists don’t work out, get a caricature instead.

“The Gang Gets Trapped” — Pulling an E.T. always works.

“How Mac Got Fat” — Confess your obesi(n)ty to God.

“Thunder Gun Express” — The best movies include one scene where a dude hangs dong.

“The High School Reunion” — You’re never dancing as well as you think you are.

“Pop–Pop: The Final Solution” — An original Hitler is priceless.

“The Gang Recycles Their Trash” — Garbage collection isn’t the goldmine one might assume it is.

“The Maureen Ponderosa Wedding Massacre” — Friday the 13th is a monster day.

“Charlie and Dee Find Love” — Take diligent notes.

“The Gang Gets Analyzed” — All things are possible through God.

“Charlie’s Mom Has Cancer” — When you pick it apart, religion is pretty f*cked up.

“Frank’s Back in Business” — Fight Milk is the only milk.

“Charlie Rules the World” — Nothing is real.

“The Gang Dines Out” — Never be the first one to look away.

“Reynolds vs. Reynolds: The Cereal Defense” — Science is a liar…sometimes.

“The Gang Broke Dee” — Eating cake is a sign of giving up completely.

“Gun Fever Too: Still Hot” — You’re either a duper or dupee.

“The Gang Tries Desperately to Win an Award” — The Emmys are a bad joke.

“Mac and Dennis Buy a Timeshare” — No show does smash cuts better than It’s Always Sunny.

“Mac Day” — There’s nothing badass about breaking the law, something the Gang has never done.