TV

The ‘Billions’ Stock Watch: Pizza Will Unite Us All


Showtime

The Billions Stock Watch is a weekly accounting of the action on the Showtime drama. Decisions will be made based on speculation and occasional misinformation and mysterious whims that are never fully explained to the general public. Kind of like the real stock market.

STOCK UP – Pizza

We have much to get to this week, including a plot to take down the Attorney General, but first, a word about pizza. Pizza is the greatest. There’s not another food out there with a degree of difficulty that low that turns out results that good. It’s really just dough, sauce, and cheese. That’s it. Yes, there is such a thing as great pizza, and we should acknowledge and appreciate that at every opportunity (shout out to Pepe’s Pizza in New Haven, Connecticut), but it’s more that, like, even bad pizza is still pretty okay. Even store-brand frozen pizza with a layer of permafrost on the top of it. You foodie-types might turn your noses up at that, but come home drunk and fire that sucker up at 3:15 AM some weekend. It’ll be amazing. Pizza is basically magic. I’m repeating myself a bit here, but it’s too important to leave unsaid.

We bring this up now because of the scene in Axe’s kitchen, at his son’s birthday party. Not only did a fresh-baked pizza clear up the bad blood between Axe and Bruno over their failed business venture, it even convinced Axe to be a better man. Kind of. It convinced him to not accept money from the sleazy oyster-slurping investor played by David Krumholtz. He is still very much taking money from the terrifying Russian oligarch played by John Malkovich. I’m not sure there’s enough pizza in the entirety of the five boroughs to turn Axe into Robin Hood or anything. But still, baby steps.

STOCK DOWN – Attorney General Jock Jeffcoat

Showtime

Billions has been setting Jock up for a fall from the very beginning of the season and it appears that bill is coming due. You don’t get to put your foot on Axe or Chuck’s throat for three-quarters of a season and expect to come out unscathed. Not how Billions works. So now we’ve got Chuck holding secret meetings in parking garages and the living rooms of media tycoons, all with the goal of proving some sort of malfeasance related to underground cable wires and millionaire televangelists and phony baloney money managers who fold in half like a big floppy piece of cheese pizza 90 seconds after you intercept them as they attempt to flee to Caracas.

I don’t know. It all seems on the up-and-up to me.

STOCK DOWN – Love, generally

Should Axe have snuck in at the last moment and outbid Taylor’s venture capitalist sweetie for the human genome project? Probably not. It was very uncool and — to the extent he cares about Taylor as a person, at all — it was a violation of trust. Taylor has been kicked around a bunch lately, from having to fire the quants to all of this. It would not surprise me to see a split at some point. Taylor already has the secret quant warehouse thing happening. You can only push a person so far.

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