Breaking Bad is one of the greatest shows of all-time, so while Cajun Boy recaps each episode, I’m here to give you a little something extra via the Breaking Badass Power Rankings, which rank the most badass characters from every episode. Why “Badass?” Obviously, the so-not-clever-that-it’s-clever name, but also because Breaking Bad is the kind of a show that makes you want to drink an entire bottle of bourbon before watching it, to soothe your soon-to-be-tense nerves. That’s pretty badass.
Not Ranked: Todd, Marie, Gomez, and Fireman.
#10. Now Jesse
What else does Walt blame Jesse for, besides Hank’s death? 9/11. Pearl Harbor. Crystal Pepsi. Season two of Friday Night Lights. McDonald’s not serving breakfast after 10:30 a.m. The Adventures of Pluto Nash. Oh yeah, and Jane’s death, probably. That’s a lot of heavy baggage for one tortured, scarred man to carry. Luckily, he’s now got a Nazi Compound leash to keep him upright, and from wandering away in the supermarket.
The #TeamWalt bandwagon is a lot lighter today. Before “Ozymandias,” I wanted Walt not to win, but to get away with (some of) it. I am terrible person and can’t explain why I felt this way, but I would have been fine with a version of Breaking Bad where he, Skyler, Flynn, and Holly travel the country in a tie-dye van, singing songs about peace, love, and Teamocil. And then he told Jesse about what happened with Jane, and now I want him to choke on Huell’s vomit until he dies. People like asking, “When do you think Walt broke bad?” with most responses dating back to the first season. But I could always make half-baked excuses for his actions: something something family, something something Jesse, something something it’s OK to “root” for someone like him because this is a television show and he’s a fascinating character that we don’t want stopped, something something what if Breaking Bad is a Malcolm in the Middle prequel. But now I’m retroactively furious about all the bodies and blown-up buildings. His confession hurt Jesse worse than ricin capsule could, and that is NOT OK. No amount of admitting your guilt, and not Skyler’s, to the cops can save your soul (or your killer Power Rankings slot) now, Walt.
In 17 years, Elanor Anne Wenrich will be in her first-year acting class when someone discovers that the quiet girl in the Sleater-Kinney shirt played Holly on Breaking Bad. Said person will introduce himself to her, playing down the fact that he knows who she is. The words “mama” and “bear” will never exit his mouth. They’ll get close, sit next to each other, maybe go see a movie with friends, until he finally gathers the nerves to ask her out on a date. She agrees, and before long, they’re a couple and after five dates, they decide to consummate the relationship. It’s at this point that I will crash through Elanor’s door, pick up her boyfriend, and scream, “STAY AWAY FROM HOLLY WHITE. SHE’S JUST A BABY.” I will then leave, knowing I’ve done the world a great service. You’re welcome.
#7. Unnamed Navajo
As Walt drives away in his newly acquired pickup truck worth $27, the elderly Navajo man looks at the stack of hundreds in his hand. “White,” he says to his cattle skull welcome sign, “They so crazy.”
#6. Uncle Jack
As far as Nazis go, Uncle Jack is an A1 family man. (I love this show.) He and his cronies already buried two DEA agents — what’s stopping him from throwing a former-chemistry teacher into the freshly dug hole, too? The Good-Time Gang got what they wanted: Walt’s money. His nephew, that’s what. Todd respects, even admires Mr. White, which is why Jack leaves Walt with a barrel of cash totaling approximately $11 million. His decision made out of loyalty to his family could come back to kick him in the ass, though, if my final episode theory (TL;DR: Walt uses the guns on the Nazis, Jesse kills Walt) proves true. Until then, Jack’s good to go, with Jesse as his prisoner.
The Skyler hate has gotten to the point where I’m afraid to search her name on Twitter. Walt’s the hero, she’s the dumb, ugly bitch who ruins everything. (No wonder the “shut up, c*nt” scene from Dexter was uploaded to YouTube by “AllHeil Heisenberg.”) But Skyler once again shamed the haters: instead of passively falling for Walt’s bullsh*t, she, framed in horror movie light, grabbed a knife to protect herself and her kids from the unrecognizable monster standing in front of her. Yet she was also seeing the real Walt for the first time in months — he’s not her business partner, let alone her husband; he’s a murderer, plain and simple — and when Marie made her tell Flynn everything, she realized that she was no better. She had fallen under his indefensible spell, but no longer. “Why would you go along?”, Flynn asked. “I’ll be asking myself that for the rest of my life.”
LET THE FLYNN HIT THE FLOOR LET THE FLYNN HIT THE FLOOR LET THE FLYNN HIT THE FLOOOORRRR. Did the scene where the former Walt Jr. (disassociating himself from his namesake was a wise move in hindsight) attacks his dad, protects his mom with a well-placed arm shield, and dials 911 give R.J. Mitte the courage to throw a ballin’ birthday party? I’m going to say: yes.
#3. THIS DOG
No worries, no cares. I wonder if he knows the Departed rat?
And in the end, Hank couldn’t even sadly limp his way out of a room — he had to crawl, on the roof of his eventual coffin, to a gun that he never reached. Not that it would have mattered if he had: he was outnumbered, both by Nazis and in bullets. But the reason he’s so high is because unlike Walt, who believes he can think his way out of any situation, Hank knew he was done for the second Gomie was hit. No amount of money, no number of I’ll-never-tell promises, was going to save him: he was a dead man crawling, and he took it like a man. “You can go f*ck yourself.”
Points off for being a corpse, though.
#1. Then Jesse
Those ninja-kicking, George Michael Bluth-lightsabering movies? Pretty badass.