By this point, you’ve hopefully had the chance to watch all 10 episodes of Chilling Adventures of Sabrina’s first season (or, as Netflix would like to call it because it’s a classier show than Riverdale aka Hot Archie That Fucks, “Part 1”). And after doing so — or at least after getting through the first episode and saying, “eh, not for me” — you probably had one very specific thought: “This show definitely ruined my childhood… but I’m not exactly sure how.”
To be fair, you probably had this very specific thought before you even saw the show, either when it was first announced or when you saw the first trailer for it. After all, before there was Chilling Adventures of Sabrina, there was the Melissa Joan Hart-led sitcom Sabrina the Teenage Witch. (There were also the Sabrina the Teenage Witch and more recent Chilling Adventures of Sabrina comics, the latter of which is the inspiration for this new show, while the former inspired the previous show. A childhood ruining revelation, I’m sure.)
As someone who watches television professionally, I decided to make the best use of my time and note every single moment within this season of television — on an episode-by-episode basis — that so very clearly went out of its way to ruin childhoods, so now you’ll have exact reference points to note when discussing in reasonable internet debate how, exactly, Chilling Adventures of Sabrina ruined your childhood. I’d say “you’re welcome,” but I didn’t do this for the congratulations: I did this for the sanctity of nostalgia.
SPOILERS for both Sabrina the Teenage Witch and Chilling Adventures of Sabrina follow.