There’s a lot going on through three episodes of FX’s limited series The People v. O.J. Simpson: American Crime Story. We’ve seen the media and public get whipped into a frenzy over the double murder, we’ve seen an entire episode dedicated to the infamous white Bronco chase, and we’ve seen the legal teams on both sides start to develop their respective strategies. Among other things, O.J. Simpson almost committed suicide in Kim Kardashian’s bedroom. It’s been a wild ride.
But there’s one storyline that’s been gliding under the radar a bit, and I think it’s time we give it the coverage it deserves: David Schwimmer sure is calling O.J. Simpson “Juice” a lot. Technically, “Robert Kardashian” is calling O.J. Simpson “Juice” a lot. But if you can look at David Schwimmer and see anyone other than David Schwimmer, bless your heart.
How much is “a lot?” Well, lucky for you, I have been keeping count. Here is the episode-by-episode tally so far:
- Episode 1: 7 Juices
- Episode 2: 13 Juices
- Episode 3: 7 Juices (including one “Uncle Juice” to his children)
This brings us to a total of 27 Juices through three episodes, for an average of an even nine per episode, provided we don’t want to consider the episode two figure an outlier that was artificially inflated by the stress of the Bronco chase. It also raises a very important question: How many times will Schwimmer call him Juice over the limited series’ entire 10-episode run?
Let’s look at the numbers.
Number of Juices needed to make it: 23
Juices per episode: 3.29
It will take a little more than three Juices per episode to reach a total of 50. Piece of cake. He can do that in his sleep. Literally. Just have the next cold open be him having a nightmare like “Juice… No, Juice… Juice… Come back, Juice… Juice, you can’t skateboard in Brazil… Juice” and keep the camera on him for five-straight minutes. Bingo bango. Fifty.
Number of Juices needed to make it: 33
Juices per episode: 4.71
Also a gimme. The only way he doesn’t hit 60 is if they dramatically cut his screen time to give more to Cochran and Clark. Which is a possibility, I suppose. But I have faith.
Number of Juices needed to make it: 43
Juices per episode: 6.14
Hypothetical dialogue that is not completely unrealistic based on the first three episodes: “Juice. Listen, Juice. You gotta listen to me, Juice. Things look bad. But you have to remember one thing, Juice. You are the Juice, dammit. Nothing stops the Juice. You hear me, Juice?”
Seven Juices. Easy peezy.
Number of Juices needed to make it: 53
Juices per episode: 7.57
This is where it gets interesting. As I said above, in two of the three episodes, Schwimmer said “Juice” exactly seven times. It’s that second episode that inflates the average a bit. If seven Juices is his sweet spot and he averages that figure for six of the next seven episodes, it means he still needs that one remaining episode to check in at 11. Not impossible by any means. Just a little more interesting, is all.
Number of Juices needed to make it: 63
Juices per episode: 9.00
- All he needs to do to hit 90 is keep his current pace.
- I just want to clarify that when he said “Uncle Juice” that one time, it was part of the sentence, “Your Uncle Juice is a good man,” which has to be an early contender for best television line of the year.
Number of Juices needed to make it: 73
Juices per episode: 10.43
I’m going to be honest with you here. I didn’t even realize I wanted David Schwimmer to call O.J. Simpson “Juice” 100 times over the course of this series until Uproxx contributor Whitney McIntosh pointed out it was a possibility, and now it is the only thing I want in the whole world. It’s not even that outlandish. He’s barely off the pace now, and he was right on it through two episodes. He can do this. We can do this. All we need is like two, maybe three calls from O.J.’s prison phone that Schwimmer tries to answer in an area with poor cell reception. (“Juice. Juice! Can you hear me, Juice? Juice. Juice, are you there? Juice. You’re breaking up, Juice.”) And guess what: It’s 1994 on the show! There’s bad cell reception everywhere! One hundred Juices is possible!
So place your bets, everyone. How many times do you think David Schwimmer will call O.J. Simpson “Juice” on The People v. O.J. Simpson: American Crime Story? The smart money is probably somewhere in the 60 to 80 range. You would be well within the range of reason to toss out a number somewhere in there. Me? I’m a dreamer. I’m holding out hope for triple digits. I know you can do it, David Schwimmer. Don’t let me down.