The last time I felt this disappointed in a series was maybe the first season finale of The Killing: It just feels like such a waste, and I cannot stress how little it seems that the Dexter writing staff seems to give a damn. They have had no interest in writing a compelling final season. They, like everyone involved, seem like they just want to get it over with, and that they are as bored with the show as the audience has become. Last night’s episode was the fourth to last of the series, and and it felt like the middle episode of the fifth season. Did you know that the head writer on Dexter used to be the Melissa Rosenberg? The woman who wrote the Twilight screenplays rose to head writer and left after the fourth season, and it’s been downhill ever since. Think about that. The show was better with the writer of Breaking Dawn running the writer’s room.
Here’s what we learned from this week’s sad episode of Dexter.
1. Dexter so totally loves Hannah. He said so. Out loud. In the most cringe-inducing kind of way. SERIAL KILLER DON’T SAY I LOVE YOU. In fact, Dexter is so smitten with Hannah that he’s decided to uproot Harrison and move with Hannah to Argentina and start a new life. Awww.
2. But Hannah is a Broke-Ass Serial Killer. Before Dexter convinced her to say at the end of the last episode, Hannah had packed a bag and was all ready to hightail it to another country. However, after Dexter convinced her to stay behind, Hannah suddenly realized, I guess, that she needed the $500,000 her old pal Arline had hidden away in the closet for her. Why? Probably because adding a scene where Hannah would have to go fetch the money would pad the episode another five minutes. Arlene has cleaned up nicely, by the way.
3. Roscoe P. Coltrane is in Hot Pursuit. Meanwhile, U.S. Marshall Cooper (The Shield’s Kenny Johnson) is in pursuit of Hannah McKay, having been put on her trail by Debra’s douchebag boss, who is being even more of a douchebag now that Debra is not showing any romantic interest in him. Also, because Debra is terrible at her job. Anyway, the Marshall knows that Hannah and Dexter once dated, and he has his suspicions that Dexter is hiding her, suspicions that were nearly confirmed when Harrison almost blew it for Dexter by revealing to the U.S. Marshall that he wants Hannah to be his mommy. God, Harrison: You are such a collossal f**k-up.
4. Debra Wants to Be Five-0 Again. Batista even offered Debra her badge, but she has to think about it because, you know, she has a conflict of interest in the fact that her brother is a serial killer. Oh, that? Whatever.
By the way, didn’t Batista come back because of LaGuerta’s murder? He’s just going to let that go, huh?
5. Debra and Hannah are like, Totally BFFs. Well, not exactly, but Hannah is hiding out at Debra’s place, and Debra is even eating Hannah’s meals without fear of poison. So, progress! These two are gonna be like sisters by the finale. SISTERS WHO MAKE OUT. No, but really: I wouldn’t put it past this show at this point. Debra, Dexter, and Hannah in a polyamorous situation raising Harrison. It takes a village. OF SERIAL KILLERS.
6. Quinn Is Broke In the Head: Debra and Quinn did some investigating together, and it felt just like old time! So, of course Quinn began investigating Debra’s TONGUE, because Quinn is a moron. Debra spurned his advances, so I guess Quinn will just have to settle for f**king the Nanny. Poor guy.
7. Masuka’s Daughter Nikki Is Still on the Show: She had a scene just to remind us all that she’s still around, in case the writers decide they want to do something with her besides have her walk around topless again.
8. The Brain Surgeon Killer Revealed. Again!: This is the Boo! Boo! Boo! I was referring to in the headline. I mean, really? Honestly? It’s Dr. Vogel’s dead son? Could the writers have come up with a worse reveal? What is this, f**king Days of Our Lives? How did we find out? Because Serial Killer, Jr. wisely pulled his hair and stuck it to the bottom of his desk like it was a piece of gum while Dr. Vogel’s son was killing him. What forethought! And clearly, that’s exactly what I would’ve thought to do while I was being MURDERED.
Anyway, Dexter matched the DNA to a family member of Dr. Vogel, used an aging program on his computer, and figured out the Brain Surgeon Killer was Oliver Saxon, i.e., Cassie’s Ryan Gosling lookalike. WHO SAW THAT COMING? No one. Because it’s dumb. How did Dr. Vogel miss it? Because she thought her son was dead, on account of the fact that he was burnt to a crisp in a fire at a mental hospital he had been entered into when he was a teenager. But, that savvy 14 year old was smart enough to fake his own death. Somehow. Don’t try to use logic here. IT WON’T WORK.
Also, I love the artist rendering here.
9. GIVE ME BACK MY SON: Dr. Vogel, naturally, doesn’t want to kill her son, even though he’s murdered innocent people, although I guess there’s still some question about whether he or Quinn killed Cassie. I still like Quinn for it, because that might actually be interesting, which probably means that Quinn didn’t do it. Anyway, in one of the night’s dumber contrivances, Dr. Vogel left a note in her diary that she was going to a diner the next day, thinking that her son — who was snooping in her computer journal — would see it and use the opportunity to reconnect with Mom. It makes perfect sense that he’d do it now, instead of ANYTIME DURING THE LAST 25 YEARS.
There was a lot of time spent behind computers in last night’s episode. That’s great action, guys!
10. Dr. Vogel’s Kid is a Total Momma’s Boy — So, after Dexter slipped something into Dr. Vogel’s coffee and knocked her out, Dexter made to the diner to kill Oliver Saxon himself. But, for some CRAZY reason, Oliver spotted him outside of the diner window, which may have had something to do with the BRIGHTLY COLORED TURQUOISE SHIRT.
Anyway. Saxon raced to Dr. Vogel’s house, and somehow, in the three minutes between the time that he got there and the time that Dexter showed up, Oliver Saxon completely reconnected with his Mom. Dr. Vogel thusly shooed an unsuspecting Dexter away and had breakfast waiting for Oliver, which I’m sure she had made for him just in case Dexter poisoner her, went to the diner by himself, got spotted by Oliver, and provoked Oliver to come back to her place, an obvious move for a psychopathic serial killer who hasn’t seen his Mom in 25 years.