In Seth MacFarlane’s Ted 2, Tom Brady is a god. A god with a golden penis. This is disappointing for many reasons, including BRADY SUX DEFLATED BALLS #DEFLATEGATE. Also, MacFarlane’s longest-running project, Family Guy, is known for its utter mockery of and, at times, downright disdain for celebrities. Yet, Brady has remained untouched by the show’s cruelty.
Unlike these 10 famous people, who weren’t so lucky.
1. Anna Paquin
Peter wants to watch True Blood, not for its sparkling dialogue or allegories to gay rights. No, he’s interested in the boobs, though not Anna Paquin’s. She looks like a “12-year-old boy,” and he’s offended when Joe includes her in his supercut of the show’s nudity. “Anna Paquin boob does not count as real boob,” Peter yells before asking her why creator Alan Ball is “so dreary.” You’d be dreary, too, if you had to make Werepanthers interesting (spoiler: he never did).
(Also, I know this isn’t technically a cutaway, but it still counts.)
2. The Baldwins
Were it not for Alec, the most successful Baldwin, Daniel, Stephen, and William would be dead. They need his precious milk to sustain them like the world needs Bio-Dome 2 (a lot).
3. Christina Aguilera
“Christina Aguilera” appeared on Family Guy in an episode that originally aired in 2005, shortly after the release of her dirty-pop album (not to be confused with “Dirty Pop”) Stripped. She hadn’t gone Back to Basics yet; Aguilera was splashing around in sewers and being the third-wheel in one of the more desperate stunts in MTV history. Peter works as her manager, but he’s not a fan. In fact, he can’t stand to hear, see, smell, taste, or touch her. She’s offensive to all the senses.
5. Fiona Apple
Family Guy has referenced the iconic Fiona Apple twice. The first time, bad, bad girl Joe recreated the “Criminal” music video and somehow made it more disturbing, and in another episode, Peter takes Meg Fiona Apple-picking. It’s a groan-worthy pun, and the sight of “bruised and filthy” Apple heads doesn’t help. The cutaway ends with Peter calling them “throwin’-at-buses apples, not eatin’ apples.” What a sad, sad world.
6. Jake and Maggie Gyllenhaal
In 2007, Jake and Maggie Gyllenhaal were more tolerated than adored as actors, give or take an occasional Brokeback Mountain. It was before she starred in the excellent The Honourable Woman, and he turned in career-best work in Nightcrawler. Family Guy imagined a dinner conversation between the siblings where they argue over which one of them is the worst actor and more off-putting. Their father helpfully comes in and tells them, “You’re both just… awful.”
7. Jodie Sweetin
8. John Goodman
The most depressing cutaway in Family Guy history shows John Goodman stuffing his face with turkey, mashed potatoes, and whatever else he can stain his flannel shirt with, while his emaciated family begs for scraps. It’s sad because it reminds me of his heart attack on Roseanne, and that for awhile in real life, he wasn’t looking so hot. I am not prepared to live in a world without John Goodman.
9. Julia Roberts
Julia Roberts only cares about herself. That’s the premise of a random potshot at “America’s Sweetheart.” At a benefit for victims of a tsunami, Roberts acknowledges how many people died before assuring viewers, “Don’t worry, I didn’t.” She then starts yelling “ME ME ME” like an insane person. I’m guessing the Family Guy writers aren’t big Mona Lisa Smile fans.
10. Tara Reid
The only thing surprising about this clip is that it’s only one of two times Family Guy has mocked Tara Reid. Guess it’s too easy, even for a show that’s made half a dozen Lindsay Lohan jokes.