‘Game Of Thrones’ Power Rankings: Let’s Speculate On Where The Show’s Characters Will Be In Five Years

Senior Editor
05.20.19

Well, it’s finally over, folks. Jon killing his aunt/lover Daenerys seemed too obvious in some way, so it was a little surprising when it actually happened. I figured that the thrust of this story was always that the Starks were a little too damned honorable for their own good, and that if anyone could be just a hair more calculating and ruthless than her rival it’d be Daenerys more than Jon. Extremism triumphs, the humans end up killing each other, and eventually, a return to entropy. But hey, I’m a sucker for entropy.

Instead, the “good guy” murdered “the tyrant” for “the good of the realm” (I did enjoy the depiction of how someone gradually becomes a tyrant). And the realm ended up with the weird disabled kid who spent all the major events of this war dicking around with his pet crows on the throne. What a twist! Huge win for shut-in cat people everywhere.

My hopes that the whole thing would end with Podrick giving his huge penis a pep talk in the mirror, Boogie Nights-style, were dashed. But I guess it was still better than the Lost finale. At least it didn’t all come down to “high five for watching this” like Lost, though Tyrion going on about “the most powerful thing in the world is a story” did come pretty close. “Friends, when all is said and done, can’t we all agree that it was great that this was a show?”

Anyway, rather than a traditional power ranking, I thought we’d take this final installment to envision what each character will be doing in the months and years to come.

Daenerys

10 damn years of lusting after the Iron Throne and all she got was 10 seconds of “just the tip, just to see if it feels good” with the armrest. And then ruthlessly murdered by the guy who couldn’t give her good sex to save the kingdom. Rough draw.

Crazy that a paranoid, power-mad queen with a savior complex wouldn’t notice that her most obvious rival had come to kill her, isn’t it? If only she’d been nicer to Jaime Lannister, she could’ve asked him his secret to being nearly impervious to dagger wounds. Ah, well. As an animal-loving misanthrope, I mostly weep for her motherless dragon. That the dragon carried her off, presumably to some respectful burial ground, proves that dragons are more like dogs than cats. A cat-dragon would’ve eaten her before the body was cold.

Daenerys in five years: The Night Queen.

Bran

Bran became king, all thanks to one impassioned speech by a dwarf prisoner who has pretty much never been right, whom Bran immediately made his hand. Meanwhile, Bran’s older sister told the entire realm that his dick doesn’t work and he spent his first cabinet meeting ignoring all human matters to think about dragons. No, I can’t see this working out very well. And what happened to all those crows Bran sent off during the battle of Winterfell? Did they accomplish anything?

The best that I can hope for is that now that Bran is king he can finally get an adult’s haircut. Honestly, what is even happening up there? And he always has that stupid expression on his face. If I’d just started watching this show I would’ve assumed he’s named “Bran” because he always looks like he just shit his pants. I envision Tyrion bursting into the king’s chambers to decide some important business, finding Bran yet again with whitened eyeballs and a thin stream of drool trailing down his chin.

TYRION: Your grace… are you having bird sex again?

Bran’s pupils snap back into focus

BRAN: Huh? Oh, no… I was… just, uh… looking for the dragon. Another few days and I think I’ll have it all nailed down. Just close the door behind you so I can concentrate better.

Bran in five years: having bird sex while the city burns.

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