The sixth season of Game of Thrones hasn’t even premiered yet and news about the future is already pouring in. First, word leaked out that showrunners David Benioff and D.B. Weiss were allegedly set on a total of 73 episodes for the series, which would mean seasons seven and eight would be shortened to seven and six episodes, respectively, a la Breaking Bad and Mad Men. Then, Entertainment Weekly asked HBO top banana Michael Lombardo about the possibility of a spinoff after the series ends, and he more or less shot that idea down, at least as things stand now.
“No. If that were to happen it would have to come from [Benioff and Weiss] really feeling something, or [author George R.R. Martin] really feeling that it was the right thing to do. Not knowing how this particular story ends, I don’t know. There are plenty of characters, secondary characters, [that] you could build a world around. We’re always going to be drawn to a strong creative vision. But we are not going to do that unless we feel their passion.”
Notice what he didn’t say there. He never said that I couldn’t see the news about the show ending soon and decide to concoct a few of my own awful spinoff ideas. He practically begged me, depending whether the “you” in, “[that] you could build a world around” was addressing me, specifically. Which I choose to believe is the case. This is a normal interpretation of that sentence.
Off we go.
The Khaleesi Files
Fed up with the cutthroat politics (and, uh, “cut throat” politics) that come with her position of power, Daenerys gives up her claim to the throne and decides to settle into a normal life. But without the perks of royalty, and no experience in the practice of a useful skilled trade, she’ll need a way to earn money. The rent isn’t going to pay itself, after all.
One day, while Daenerys is still figuring this out, a local woman casually mentions over wine that she thinks her husband is cheating on her, but she doesn’t have proof. A light bulb appears over Daenerys’ head.
SMASH CUT TO: Daenerys hanging a small wooden sign on her door that reads, “D. Targaryen, Private Investigator.”
WHICH LEADS TO: A montage of clients walking through her door.
FOLLOWED BY: Her calling in her most mischievous dragon, Drogon, to be her loose-cannon partner.
And now the two of them are solving mysteries.
Full House Lannister
We go back 20 to 30 years for a Lannister family prequel. Tywin raising three rambunctious children as a single father, kind of like Full House if Danny Tanner was a ruthless billionaire sociopath who was always away from home seeking power and instilled in his children a need to do the same. And if DJ was a legendary male warrior who was secretly sleeping with Stephanie, who is now mean and manipulative. And if Michelle was a loquacious sex-crazed alcoholic dwarf. Also, Jesse and Joey have been executed. So has Kimmy Gibbler. And Aunt Becky works in a brothel.
Otherwise, exactly like Full House.
Tyrion & Hodor
Through a process that is never fully explained beyond cryptic mentions of “the ooze,” Tyrion and Hodor end up in 1984 Manhattan, where they have opened an extremely successful law firm. Tyrion is the fast-talking defense attorney who has become a thorn in the District Attorney’s side thanks to his ability to turn seemingly black-and-white issues into gloppy puddles of gray that scream “reasonable doubt” to the jury. And somehow, Hodor is even more successful. His simple, straightforward approach really resonates with the jurors, and judges all over the city praise him for his succinct legal briefs, many of which just contain the word “Hodor,” with a parenthetical citation to a source also listed as “Hodor.”
But there’s a problem: Somehow Ramsay Bolton has also stumbled into the ooze, and now he’s in 1984 Manhattan, too, charged with triple murder and demanding that they represent him if they don’t want their secret time-traveling history revealed to the world. Especially because neither of them “technically” have their law license. What are they going to do?
Tune in to find out.
In her ongoing quest to cross names off her murder list, Arya Stark briefly abandons her assassin training and heads off to beautiful, sun-drenched Qarth to follow a lead. After finding a few clues and using a little charm and trickery to secure lodging, her investigation hits a snag when two members of the local guard haul her in and read her the riot act. She protests that she’s just there on vacation, which they don’t believe for a second, especially after they get a raven from the Faceless Men saying that if she’s out there trying to cross names off her list, she better not even come back to Detroi-… Braavos. Despite this, they end up bonding through a number of zany shenanigans, including the three of them thwarting a robbery in a brothel after she tricked the two guardsmen into going there on the clock.
So, the guardsmen decide to team up with Arya to cross the name off her list, especially after her art gallery employee friend is taken hostage. They storm his compound, with no backup and against explicit orders, and slash their way through his henchman until Arya gets her shot and finally kills the notorious Victor Maitlin.
Might work better as a movie.
The Mad King
No, but seriously. Do a prequel about the lunatic Targaryen king whose erratic and bloodthirsty rule led to a rebellion that ended with Jaime Lannister killing him. Make that show. Cast John Lithgow as the Mad King. I will beg if I have to.