Going straight to the post-jump, to protect that ONE GUY who hasn’t seen last night’s episode yet.
(Note: it’s annoying keeping spoilers contained to a single thread, so if you’re going to say something spoiler-y, i.e something that hasn’t happened on the show yet, begin your comment with “SPOILER,” or something like that. Thanks.)
Starks Get Comeuppance, Are Slain During Wedding
By T. Lannister, reporting for the Lannister Press
Cowardly Robb Stark of Winterfell, 17, was killed yesterday during the marriage ceremony of Edmure Tully and Roslin Frey at the Twins. Stark’s mother, Catelyn, and pregnant wife, Talisa of Volantis, as well of dozens of his treacherous bannermen, were also slain in an event some are referring to as the “Red Wedding.”
The so-called King of the North, who tried to rise to power after his deceitful father, Ned Stark, was arrested for treason and later killed by the glorious King Joffrey Baratheon after the death of the dearly departed King Robert Baratheon, had recently broken an oath he had made with Lord Walder Frey. Stark was to marry one of Frey’s many beautiful daughters, but in an act of clear defiance, wed that TOTALLY ugly commoner Talisa instead.
“Robb had a chance to admit that he was not the rightful heir to the throne,” said Tywin Lannister, referring to his family’s numerous brave attempts at making peace amongst the Seven Kingdoms, “but his stubbornness, a Stark family trademark, ended up being his downfall.” The Hand of the King added, “Good riddance.”
According to sources, an increasingly intoxicated Stark was loudly feeding his direwolf and heard shouting obscenities in the Great Hall, in front of Lord Frey and his men. “It was a blatant sign of disrespect,” reported an anonymous guest who asked to be identified as Boose Rolton, “and things only got worse when he ripped his clothes off, yelled ‘I’M GONNA LIVE FOREVER,’ and began making love to Talisa next to Frey’s youngest daughter.”
He was politely asked multiple times to mind his manners, but the Freys and Boltons, working in accordance with the Lannisters, had no choice but to defend themselves when both mother and son Stark and Talisa drew their swords and threatened to, according to Rolton, “shove your bloody bread and salt where even the fish don’t swim.”
“Me thinks he was referring to our asses,” said a guard, shortly after the ruckus calmed down, “but who knows.”
A reporter for the Lannister Press attempted to speak to Catelyn as soon as “The Rains of Castamere” began playing, to ask what was going through her head at that exact moment, but…
…she had no comment. The Starks are survived by Sansa and Arya. Also, if anyone’s seen Arya, yo.
A Lannister always pays his debt, and so should you. Lannister Press subscriber fees are due soon.
More like Roose Trollton. (Via)
“…a lion still has claws.” (Via)
God, that casting call. “WANTED: homely looking women to be paraded in front of soon-to-be-dead king.” (Via)
“Oh my god…is that Filch from Harry Potter? Play it cool, Robb. Play it cool. IT IS. Nice guy.” (Via)
Well, at least Edmure had a good time. (Via)
Although I think everything’s going to work out for those crazy kids. (Via)
Or not. Everything about the Red Wedding was perfect, except for the fact that, y’know, our hero, his mother, and pregnant wife died. But other than that, splendid. The scene and setting were ominous without being obvious (loved the quick shot of the bread and salt making its way through the Hall) and the pacing was just right. It both felt like it lasted forever and was over in the blink of an eye. I’m also glad they didn’t attempt to subdue the violence: Cat got her throat slit in the books, Cat got her throat slit on the show. (A note to non-book readers: Talisa/Jeyne doesn’t attend the wedding in A Storm of Swords.) Then, when the credits appeared, without any musical accompaniment, the full weight of the scene really sunk in. It was one of the best five minute sequences in TV history. (Via)
Another note to non-book readers: “the Lannisters send their regards” replaced “Jaime Lannister sends his regards.” I’m assuming this change is because D.B. Weiss and David Benioff want us to still feel sympathy for the handless one, or at least not center the entirety of rage at him. Spread the Lannister hate. (Via)
And Arya’s list is a lot longer now. (Via)
R.I.P. Robb. R.I.P. Grey Wind (Via)
Also, other stuff happened.
Dany wants to f*ck Ol’ Non-Blue Beard. (Via)
Rickon showed his best king face. (Via)
Sam’s a wizard. (Via)
Jon Snow put crows before hoes. (Via)
Arya…goddamn. Poor, poor Arya. (Via)
You can’t keep a good Hodor down…unless you’re a Warg. (Via)