I am not saying Guy Fieri is Santa Claus. I want to be very clear about that. It would be crazy for me to say that celebrity chef Guy Fieri is secretly also Santa Claus, the magical figure who brings presents to little boys and girls all over the world every Christmas Eve. I’m not crazy. All I’m doing here is listing similarities between the two of them. I’m not trying to imply anything here. I’m just stating a few — okay, eleven — objectively true facts. Now, with that said, I can’t stop you from coming to your own conclusions after reading them. Maybe you’ll get to the end of the list and say “Hmm, there sure are a lot of similarities between Santa Claus and Guy Fieri. Almost… too many similarities…” That is your right as a free-thinking person.
But I’m not saying it. I’m not saying Guy Fieri is or even might be Santa Claus. I’m just stating some facts. Where you go from here is up to you.
Santa Claus and Guy Fieri are both jolly
The jolliness of Santa Claus is not in dispute. There are like ten Christmas songs that reference it. He’s a sweet man who wants people to be happy.
Guy Fieri is also jolly. He is so happy all the time and brings an infectious optimism to every kitchen he visits.
Santa Claus and Guy Fieri both show up places to spread joy and eat snacks
Santa Claus crisscrosses the globe to deliver presents and stops at each house to enjoy some cookies and milk.
Guy Fieri crisscrosses the globe to highlight small local businesses and gives them free publicity by enjoying their specialties on camera for an audience of millions.
Santa Claus and Guy Fieri are both associated with magical towns that may or may not exist
Santa Claus lives in the North Pole, a magical place with a workshop capable of making enough toys for every child in the world.
Guy Fieri frequently references Flavortown, a magical place where the rivers flow with nacho cheese and the hospitals treat patients with lasagna instead of medicine.
Santa Claus and Guy Fieri both have a signature look
Santa Claus wears a bright red suit and a floppy hat and has a white beard and appears to look like this all the time.
Guy Fieri wears flame-emblazoned bowling shirts and has spiky bleached hair and a spiky bleached goatee and appears to look like this all the time.
Santa Claus and Guy Fieri both cruise around in a classic red ride with an open-top
Santa Claus flies around the world in a red sleigh, his hat flapping in the breeze as the wind blows through it.
Guy Fieri drives around the world in a red convertible, his hair not moving even a little as the wind slides right off his aerodynamically gelled blonde tips.
Santa Claus and Guy Fieri both cover huge distances in a seemingly impossible amount of time
Santa Claus delivers presents to children all over the world in one night, which is a pretty astounding feat even when you consider time zones.
Guy Fieri sometimes visits three restaurants in three different states in one 30-minute episode of Diners, Drive-ins & Dives, which is a pretty astounding feat even when you consider editing.
Santa Claus and Guy Fieri are both fond of reindeer
Santa Claus has a team of beloved reindeer that help him soar through the sky and he gave them all cheery little names like Dasher and Comet.
Guy Fieri once ate a reindeer hoagie at a restaurant in North Pole, Alaska, which is admittedly a different kind of “fond” but still worth noting.
Santa Claus and Guy Fieri both have catchphrases
Santa Claus has a number of well-known sayings, from “Ho Ho Ho” to “Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night.”
Guy Fieri has a number of well-known sayings, from “out of bounds” to “this is bananas… and bananas is good.”
Santa Claus and Guy Fieri have both had their Lamborghini stolen by a teenage supervillain who was planning to steal a helicopter for a diamond heist when police caught him and was later almost busted out of prison by a group of friends who were banging on the walls with a sledgehammer
Okay, this one is actually just a Guy Fieri thing, but it is true, and it is one of my favorite stories ever, and to be perfectly honest none of us know for sure that Santa Claus has never had a Lamborghini stolen by a teenager who rappelled into a showroom and drove it right out the front door, so I think it’s fair to include it until someone can prove to me definitively that it did not happen.
Santa Claus and Guy Fieri would both let you sit in their lap and tell them some things you want, probably
Santa Claus invites children everywhere to sit on his lap and pose for pictures and tell him all the things they want for Christmas.
Guy Fieri seems like a nice enough dude that would probably let you do this too if you asked nicely and weren’t all weird about it.
Santa Claus and Guy Fieri are both people who could just show up on your roof and slide down your chimney and into your living room without you calling the cops on them
The list of people this applies to is very, very short. It might just be these two if we’re being honest about it. Santa, for obvious reasons. And Guy Fieri, too. You would be kind of excited if Guy Fieri tumbled down your chimney and into your living room on Christmas Eve. Do not lie to me. You would be surprised, sure, that’s fair. But once you realized what was happening, you’d probably be into it. You would. He would probably have a sack full of, like, beef jerky and pretzels to share. It would be a pretty cool Christmas.