A few preliminary notes:
– Last week, I wrote a post titled 50 Questions About the New McDonald’s Hamburglar, in which I asked a bunch of nonsense questions about the burger chain’s updated version of the character, including ones about his motivations and methods, and other ones about if maybe he works for Wilson Fisk from Daredevil. It was all very weird, and very fun to write, and I assumed that would be the end of it.
– Last night, at 10:00 p.m. EST, I received an email from the Hamburglar.
– Like, the Hamburglar. From what appears to be an official McDonald’s email address, firstname.lastname@example.org. And he answered a bunch of the insane questions I asked in the post.
– The email is obviously a marketing/#branding ploy by McDonald’s. Wait until you see how many times the Hamburglar uses the full, official name of the new burger they are trying to promote. I am fully aware that posting it here is exactly what they wanted me to do, and that I am encouraging them by doing it. But I am doing it anyway because this is all so strange, and because I have a great deal of respect for the person who got an international corporation to pay him/her to respond to a bunch of jackass questions in character as a fictional hamburger thief, and who clearly had a lot of fun with the task. I am not a big fan of transparent attempts at branding. I am a big fan of employees wasting the time and resources of hamburger conglomerates by sending goofball late-night emails to pseudonymous writers on the Internet who said their latest mascot “looks like the star of a movie titled Watchmen 2: Welp.” It’s a delicate balance.
– You guys have to promise me that none of you will be swayed to buy a Sirloin Third Pound Burger just because of this post. Like, if you were going to do it anyway, please feel free. Don’t let me stop you. But don’t do it because the Hamburglar emailed me and I’m telling you about it. That’s my only condition here. If you do that, it basically makes my silly original post a part of their marketing campaign. Don’t let capitalism ruin our fun here. Deal?
Okay, here we go.
If that is your real name. I caught your article “50 Questions About the New McDonald’s Hamburglar.” I’m currently hot on the trail for Sirloin Third Pound Burgers, but am taking a quick break to respond to some of your questions.
Good to see everyone still interested in me and my hamburglary, but I’m more interested in the new Sirloin Third Pound Burgers. Have you had one? If not, stop reading and go get one.
Ok, craving satisfied? Let’s get started…
How many hamburgers does the Hamburglar steal at once?
As many as I can get my Hamburglar hands on. Incidentally, the red gloves help maintain a tight grip on those juicy and delicious Sirloin Third Pound burgers.
Does he steal a lot of hamburgers?
I take as many Sirloin Third Pound Burgers as I can get my hands on since they’re only here for a limited time. Steakhouse, Bacon & Cheese, or Lettuce & Tomato – whatever is available.
Hey, what the hell is happening in this commercial?
That’s no commercial! Someone gave McDonald’s footage of me first learning of Sirloin Third Pound Burgers. They shared it on @McDonalds and now I’m worried that everyone will know where my secret lair is. Although, I have an awesome offer from the Property Brothers to help me fix it up.
So, the Hamburglar is just some suburban dad?
And proud of it! I have an awesome wife and kid and I’ve been lying low for a while, that is until those delicious limited time Sirloin Third Pound burgers hit restaurants.
That’s his secret identity?
Hey, people grow up, but some cravings never change.
What’s the deal with the secret crime room in the back of his garage?
Every burglar has a lair. While I put Hamburglar-ing behind me for years, the urge to steal any of McDonald’s delicious burgers never left me and with the intro of the Sirloin Third Pound Burgers, I..just…couldn’t…resist.
Given all the news about the importance of secure passwords, is using “111” as his password incredibly stupid, or incredibly smart?
That was only a small part of my 20 digit code. Thank goodness the footage didn’t show the full number or I’d never be able to get my son out of there. Do you know how many vintage Happy Meal toys I have?
Speaking of the “famous” thing, what’s with all the framed newspaper articles he has on the wall?
It’s nice to reflect on all the Hamburglar-ing conducted over the years. All those delicious burgers. Remember the McDLT?! It’s like a delicious trip down memory lane every time I step in.
What kind of bumpkin-ass town devotes the front page of their newspaper to someone stealing hamburgers from McDonald’s?
I take it you don’t receive the McDonaldland Tribune?
I mean, using our example above, assuming he stole 20 hamburgers, isn’t that just a theft of like $40?
I can tell you haven’t tasted how delicious and premium the Sirloin Third Pound Burgers are – a 100% North American sourced Sirloin patty, sautéed mushrooms and grilled onions… crispy lettuce and tomato… or the savory bacon and cheese. That’s priceless mouthwatering goodness right there.
Or are we supposed to believe this is a bigger heist, possibly in the hundreds of hamburgers?
I’ll never tell!
WHAT IS YOUR ENDGAME, HAMBURGLAR?
To eat as many amazing Sirloin Third Pound Burgers as possible during the limited time they’re in restaurants.
Does… does he sell them for a discounted price on the black market, like you would with stolen art or diamonds?
What?! That’s ridiculous. For something so priceless they must be enjoyed!
Does he just want to take down McDonald’s?
Never! Then I couldn’t get any more of their delicious burgers, especially the Sirloin Third Pound Burgers.
Isn’t that kind of like a jewel thief pulling off a heist at the Claire’s in the mall?
Hey, don’t knock Claire’s! That was my wife’s first job.
Does he work for Burger King or something, as part of the weirdest case of off-the-books corporate espionage in history?
Now don’t go spreading rumors. However, these Sirloin Third Pound Burgers are that good where I could see how you could think that!
We’re all picturing Wilson Fisk from Daredevil as the CEO of Burger King now, yes?
I’ve been out grabbing these Sirloin Burgers but that show is next in my Netflix queue. No spoilers, please!
And now we’re all hearing, like, “This city… NEEDS… ORDER… in its fast food restaurants. We must… SIMPLIFY. Only ONE can stand” in Vincent D’Onofrio’s Wilson Fisk voice, yes?
Whoa, whoa, no spoilers, please! *Plugs ears with fingers*
WHAT IF FISK KIDNAPS WENDY FROM WENDY’S NEXT?
Well, if that happened I’d help in the search—us red heads need to watch out for each other!
What kind of ding dong supervillain gets figured out by his 10-year-old son because he waltzed out of his in-home hideout in his costume with his friggin garage door open?
What can I say, I’m a bit rusty—it’s been a while! I just came out of hiding for the Sirloin Third Pound Burgers!
On that subject, what, pray tell, is going on here?
You have to remember, I’m part-time Hamburglar, full-time husband and father. Any other husband/Hamburglar can tell you that sometimes there just aren’t enough hours in the day!
How in the world has this guy not been apprehended yet?
I ran track in high school. Came in third at the State Championship. Plus, all my awesome fans are helping me not get caught by tweeting #RobbleRobble and wearing stripes!
Shouldn’t he have been caught, like, by accident by now?
When you’re good, you’re good!
What if we just go ahead and make this into a gritty, Daredevil-style series called Burger Wars?
Wow, this Daredevil show sounds really good! I promise, once the limited-time offer for Sirloin Third Pound Burgers is over, I’ll watch this show!
With Ronald McDonald as a martial arts expert and former circus performer who roams the city at night to clean up the streets?
I don’t know, seems like it’d be a little tough to do karate with those shoes.
To recap: I wrote something dumb about the Hamburglar, and the Hamburglar emailed me about it. What an odd society we’ve created.