For 13 years, Hank Hill gave us all kinds of wise quotes. Today, let’s take a look at some the most important pieces of advice from the world’s foremost purveyor of propane and propane accessories.
1. “Bobby, Al Yankovic blew his brains out in the late 80s after people stopped buying his records. He’s not worth getting in trouble over.”
From “The Son That Got Away.” I’m not totally sure who he was confusing Weird Al for there.
2. “There better be a naked cheerleader under your bed!”
From “Goodbyew Normal Jeans,” when he sees Bobby — who is taking Home Ec — cleaning a cheerleader’s uniform.
3. “I sell popcorn and popcorn accessories.”
From “Meet The Manger Babies,” giving a twist on his trademark catch phrase.
4. “I am the mack daddy of Heimlich County!”
From “Ho Yeah!,” scaring away a pimp.
5. “I have a sense of humor. I laugh at Tony Danza.”
From “The Man Who Shot Cane Skretteberg,” letting us know he can take a joke.
6. “Can’t you see you’re not making Christianity any better, you’re just making rock and roll worse?”
From “Reborn To Be Wild,” expressing his contempt for Bobby’s Christian youth group.
7. “So, are you Chinese or Japanese?”
From “Westie Side Story,” not understanding that Khan from Laos.
8. “What the hell kind of country is this where I can only hate a man if he’s white?”
Also from “Westie Side Story,” not understanding why he should have to make friends with Khan.
9. “An ‘F’ in English? Bobby, you speak English!”
From “Old Glory,” not understanding Bobby is having problems in English class.
10. “What? No, I sell propane!”
From “My Own Private Rodeo,” after Dale’s dad asks him if he’s gay.
11. “There’s something missing, something wrong…it’s like a pretty girl with short hair.”
From “King Of The Ant Hill,” not totally satisfied with his lawn.
12. “Soccer was invented by European ladies to keep them busy while their husbands did the cooking.”
From “Three Men And A Bobby,” explaining the origins of soccer.
13. “Bobby, some things are like a tire fire, trying to put it out only makes it worse. You just gotta grab a beer and let it burn.”
From “Aisle 8a,” explaining how to handle a woman with PMS.
14. “Why would anyone smoke weed when they could just mow a lawn?”
From “Yard, She Blows!” on the pleasures of lawn mowing.
15. “I’m doped out of my gourd!”
From “Hanky Panky,” the one time he actually does try pot.
16. “You know, Helen Keller was largely useless, but look how we remember her. Yep, first lady of the American stage.”
From “Peggy Hill: The Decline And Fall,” confusing Helen Keller with Helen Hayes.
17. “They weren’t dancing like you and I used to, Peggy. They were enjoying it.”
From “Get Ur Freak Off,” after seeing Bobby dancing with a girl at a concert.
18. “I wasn’t flirting with her. I didn’t even mention that I work in propane!”
From “Lupe’s Revenge, after being accused of flirting with a female cop.
19. “6AM, and already the boy ain’t right!”
From “Texas City Twister, when he wakes up to find Bobby smelling laundry.
He pretty much says this in every episode.