I THINK HE MIGHT’VE BEEN GUILTY

08.24.09 9 years ago 7 Comments

The manhunt for Ryan Jenkins, the reality star charged with the murder of his ex-wife, ended yesterday when he was found dead in a remote Canadian motel, the victim of an apparent suicide by hanging.  Let’s go to the highlight reel:

Jenkins’ body was found in The Thunderbird Motel on a secluded road on the outskirts of Hope B.C. at the entrance to the province’s mountainous interior. His body was found in a room at the out-of-the-way motel…

[Ex-wife Jasmine] Fiore’s teeth had been pulled out and her fingers cut off, apparently to impede her identification. Investigators used the serial numbers on her breast implants to identify her…

Friends said Fiore was a model who worked mainly in Las Vegas and Los Angeles, doing gigs such as being bodypainted at parties… Court records showed Jenkins was charged in June in Nevada with a misdemeanor count of “battery constituting domestic violence” for allegedly hitting Fiore in the arm and was set to be tried in December.

Man oh man.  I hate to take death lightly but this is the greatest blog story EVER.  Here’s a list of the elements of this story, starting from square one: Reality TV. VH1. Playboy model (Megan Hauserman). Strippers. Playboy model (Fiore). Vegas wedding. Marriage annulled. History of domestic violence. Strangled to death. Fingers cut off. Teeth removed. Body in a suitcase. Suitcase in a Dumpster. Identified by breast implants. Escape to Canada. Motel. Suicide. Hanging.

That is amazing.  It’s like a Mad Libs of every joke I’ve ever told.  The only way this could have been better is if he had hanged himself while masturbating.  And there was a cat dressed as a police officer investigating.

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