JWOWW’s Bikini? J-WOW.

I probably should be writing about Stephen Colbert’s fantastic guest editorial in the South Carolina newspaper The State, but it’s the day before Christmas Eve/fourth night of Hanukkah/Eddie Vedder’s birthday, and I don’t want to think about anything that matters. Today, I’m all about: Candy canes! Reindeer! J Woww’s bikini!

While Snooki’s off getting sued for $7 million, J Woww has not only launched her swimsuit line for Perfect Tan Bikini; she’s also defied gravity. There’s no way that the strapless bikini she’s wearing above should stay on. But it does, because of “Stick2U…[a] silicon based adhesive [that’s] activated by your body temperature, so the warmer you get in the sun, the more it stays in place.” I bet the scientists who developed Stick2U feel like the luckiest bastards in the world. Also: if you’re wondering if certain “enhancements” (read: ABNORMALLY LARGE BREASTS) are needed to wear the thing, the website’s FAQ helpfully answers, “No, the Perfect Tan Bikini can be worn with real or augmented breasts. Anyone can wear a Perfect Tan Bikini. Now we can all be Perfect!”

Between this and the photo of Sammi without a layer of rust on her face, I’m suddenly a lot more interested in season five of “Jersey Shore.” Birthday Boy Vedder knows what I’m talking about: