Leslie Jones Swears Off Sex In Her Latest ‘SNL’ Rant

Weekend Update has been dominated by Pete Davidson for most of this season, and why not? He gets headlines, keeping SNL relevant. And besides, Davidson can really only play himself in self-deprecating confessionals, and that’s the only place those would fit. So it was a delight to see the return of one of the great Weekend Update monologuists: Leslie Jones.

Wearing a shirt with the word “sex” in a circle with a line running through it, Jones came to talk about how she’s sure she’s too old for casual hook-ups. “My sex days is over!” she shouted. “I’m 51. No one wants to have sex with an old b*tch.”

Jones said she peaked between the ages of 19 to 35, claiming her signature move involved her knees. Well, her knees are going, and so is the rest of her body. She can’t compete with the young. “You think I can twerk? I’m sitting on a hemorrhoid donut as we speak!”

She also said she’s at an awkward age. “Who am I supposed to even date? A guy in his 60s who possibly might die on top of me? Or a guy in his 20s, so I’m a child molester now? I have to put out milk and cookies and a Playstation to have sex. NO!”

Co-host Colin Jost tried to talk her down, saying no one in their 50s looks as great as she does. To which his Michael Che weighed in by mentioning Halle Berry. To which Jones tried to first swat Che then get him fired. But Jost had another nice thing to say: There’s research that one’s sexual peak is actually in one’s 50s. And if that’s true, then we all have something to look forward to, even after society has forgotten about us as well.