The problem with TV these days is that there are just too many good shows and actors. Okay, that’s not entirely accurate. The problem is that there are too many people with too many different definitions of the word “good” and there are only so many Emmy categories and nominations to go around, all while a specific group of people gets to choose them. It’s not an inevitability as much as it’s a routine for a lot of our favorite shows and actors to be overlooked for the Emmy nominations each year, and when this year’s crop is announced tomorrow, there’ll be plenty of us shaking our nerd fists in rage over the so-called snubs of our favorite programs.
Let’s face it, tomorrow’s nominees and the eventual Emmy ceremony will be mostly predictable – everyone from Modern Family will be nominated for something, some of them will win and the show will take home Outstanding Comedy Series, thus assuring another season of family vacations, while True Detective will clean up in most of the Drama categories. Of course, Veep or Louie could steal the Comedy honors and Breaking Bad’s finale could upend HBO’s hopes, but that’s all still within the realm of what we expect.
What I and many others would love to see is a total shakeup and some recognition of television’s lesser-celebrated quality programs, and maybe even some shows that just outright suck, to liven things up a little. After all, the Emmys are a TV cool kids table, always reminding everyone how rad the popular kids are while barely recognizing the shy but brilliant kids who sit by themselves at lunch. I agreed with a lot of my colleague Josh Kurp’s ideas for how the Emmys would look if the Internet chose the nominees and winners, but in the dictatorship of my mind, the Emmys should look a little more like this…
The show would open with a live performance from Nelson, as the brothers would play an acoustic set of the year’s most popular TV theme songs, before being joined by the entire band for “Love and Affection,” which would cause the entire crowd to sing along, because everyone knows the words to the greatest song ever written. Then, hosts Neil Patrick Harris and Kate Upton would come out and admit that it’s impossible to top that opening number, but there are still plenty of awards to give out, so the show must go on.
First up, Hollywood’s hottest new couple, Sofia Vergara and Joe Manganiello, would come out to honor True Detective, Breaking Bad, Game of Thrones, The Good Wife and some other drama shows that have huge ratings and critical acclaim, as well as Modern Family, Big Bang Theory, Glee, Veep and whatever other comedies and characters are typically represented at the Emmys. The cast of Orange is the New Black would stand up and someone would shout, “You’re not a comedy!” Jim Parsons would try to speak and someone, probably me, throws a shoe at him and the cut-off music plays. Matthew McConaughey then takes the stage to accept his award for the Outstanding Person on TV This Year, and he reveals that not only will he be starring in the Magic Mike Broadway musical to get his Tony, but he’ll be releasing a spoken word album to lock up his Grammy and EGOT. “Now on with the rest of the awards,” NPH would say while Kate Upton continues her trampoline work.
Outstanding Series on NBC That Amazingly Wasn’t Canceled – The Blacklist
This show is pretty awesome, and it’s almost entirely because of James Spader’s performance as Raymond Reddington, as he was nominated for a Golden Globe earlier this year. I think that Spader will make it into the Emmy nominations, but he won’t stand a chance against McConaughey and Bryan Cranston’s last run as Walter White. Still, someone should high five Spader and tell him that The Blacklist rules, even if Lizzy’s emotional range is narrow like a sidewalk crack.
Outstanding Achievement in Convincing People to Keep Enrolling in Law School Because Being a Lawyer is Nothing but Awesome, Cool Shouting – Suits
I’ve watched a few episodes of Suits but haven’t gotten into it, but I know a bunch of people who love it. USA should have its own awards ceremony just for its own shows, because some of them don’t even feel like real shows. And what’s the deal with that new one, Satisfaction? It looks like softcore porn, which is cool, I guess, but on USA? I guess it could work if it’s like Silk Stockings. Remember that one? The Emmys should give that a Lifetime Achievement Award at some point.