You, like most rational people, have probably been sitting around since September 2014 thinking that there’s no way Lincoln could ever top the “That’s a big bull” commercial starring Matthew McConaughey. It had everything: Matthew McConaughey, a big bull, Matthew McConaughey saying “That’s a big bull” to a big bull, etc. It seemed just about perfect. But it turns out it was missing something.
You see, Lincoln recently released a new commercial titled “Time To Eat.” It opens with Matthew McConaughey pulling out of his driveway and discussing dinner plans while looking in his rearview mirror, implying that maybe, possibly, he has children back there. But he does not have children back there. He has dogs. These dogs.
We have some questions:
What are the names of Matthew McConaughey’s dogs?
If Matthew McConaughey started a sentence with “My dogs’ names are…” is there anything he could finish it with that would truly surprise you?
Like if he said their names were Shaman and Bongos, you’d probably just think, “Sounds about right,” right?
Do you think the dogs are named Rust and Marty?
Do you think one of the dogs is named “Woody Harrelson”?
Will you ever stop thinking about this now that I brought it up?
Probably not, right?
How did Matthew McConaughey know from the dog’s little whimper/bark that it wanted to eat barbecue?
Can Matthew McConaughey understand what his dog is saying?
WAIT, CAN MATTHEW MCCONAUGHEY TALK TO ANIMALS?
Is that what Lincoln is implying here?
Doesn’t that instantly make this the most fascinating commercial on television?
Actually, why isn’t this a full-on television show?
If we gave the freaking Geico cavemen a show, why can’t we have a show about Matthew McConaughey talking to animals?
Can he talk to all animals, or just dogs?
What if you went to the zoo and saw Matthew McConaughey engaged in a deep conversation with a group of penguins?
What if right when you spotted them Matthew McConaughey was saying, like, “Exactly my point, kemosabe. We’re all just spinning around on this big blue marble together” and all the penguins were nodding?
What would you do?
Probably just freeze dead in your tracks and stand there until the zoo closed and the staff made you leave, right?
Do you think Matthew McConaughey’s dogs ever get sick of his mystical bullsh*t?
Like, do you think sometimes he gets going and is all “What goes out always comes back. Boomerang. Karma. That’s what this is about. It’s not just a game. It’s much deeper than that. I send this off into the universe and it experiences things before it gets brought back to me, mostly the same, but also very different. It’s a beautiful thing,” and the dogs roll their eyes and are like “Just throw the f*cking tennis ball, guy”?
Why isn’t this a show?
You do realize that this commercial implies that Matthew McConaughey is taking his dogs to a sushi restaurant, yes?
How livid will you be if Lincoln never gives us a sequel where they pay that off?
Like what if the next commercial is the three of them sitting at a counter just housing spicy tuna rolls?
What if they don’t even show the car once in this hypothetical commercial?
Would you be more or less likely to buy a Lincoln?
Way, way more, right?
Do you think Matthew McConaughey takes his dogs to restaurants a lot?
If you were the host or hostess at an upscale sushi restaurant and Matthew McConaughey walked in with two dogs and said “Table for three,” what would you do?
What if right after saying that he turned to one of them and said “No sake tonight, Woody. We talked about this”?
You would definitely seat them, right?
If you got fired for letting Matthew McConaughey and his two dogs sit at a table in a fancy restaurant and eat sushi, would it all be worth it?
I mean, how often would you tell people that story?
Is there a better possible story to tell people at a cocktail party?
If you met someone at a cocktail party and they told you a long story about getting fired for letting Matthew McConaughey’s dogs eat sushi at a restaurant, would you believe them?
What is Matthew McConaughey even talking about at the end of the commercial?
Is his reasoning for not letting his dogs pick their dinner plans really 1) They are on four legs, and 2) That he’s driving?
Why did Matthew McConaughey even ask them where they want to go if he’s just gonna trump them with evolution and pick sushi anyway?
Kinda rude, no?
Do you think there was even a script for this or do you think Lincoln just said, “Okay, Matt. Just riff”?
Do you this think was the first take and the director was like, “Yeah, okay. Matthew McConaughey is taking his dogs out for a sushi dinner. I can live with that”?
Why doesn’t Matthew McConaughey have a podcast?
If Matthew McConaughey had a weekly podcast but it cost $3.99 per episode, how often would you download it?
Haaaang on, when Matthew McConaughey says “Because I’m driving”… is that meant to imply that sometimes the dogs drive?
Why?
Isn’t?
This?
A?
Show?
