Put The Sonic Guys Back In The Car

There are only two things in this world that I know to be true: One, the fact that a 16-seed upsetting a 1-seed in the first round of the NCAA Tournament would be one of the greatest possible things in sports, and it is long overdue, and I want it to happen so bad that it literally hurts me sometimes when I think about it. And two, the guys from the Sonic commercials should be inside a car at all times, even when they’re not at Sonic, to the degree that I choose to believe the characters live in the car and use empty limeade cups to relieve themselves. That’s it. That’s my list.

So imagine the horror I felt, deep in my bones, when I was watching 16-seed Mount St. Mary’s fall apart in the second half of their game against Villanova, and the game went to commercial, and the new Sonic commercial aired.

What is this…


freaking bullcrap?

You see the problem here, yes? Perhaps an illustration will help.

That’s right. The Sonic guys are outside the car. They are outside the car. This is incredibly upsetting to me. Why are the Sonic guys outside of their car? Who did this? Who said this was okay? I want names. Names and contact information. I have letters to send. Not emails. Real, physical letters. On paper. Like a soldier in the Civil War. This is that important.

It’s just, I mean, if the Sonic guys are outside of the car, suddenly, after years of being inside the car, then what? How far does this madness reach? You might think I’m overreacting, but if we don’t step in and stop these small little things right away, while they’re manageable, pretty soon they’ll spin off and grow into something we can’t control. Today, it’s the Sonic guys getting out of their car. Tomorrow, Matthew McConaughey might start making sense in his Lincoln commercials. Next week, Lily from the AT&T commercials might snap and try to assassinate a Supreme Court justice. It’s a slippery slope. That’s all I’m saying.

You know what? I blame the “Can you hear me now?” guy for switching from Verizon to Sprint. He started this. He bent the rules of decency too far, and they finally snapped, and the Sonic guys just followed his lead. But now, in any event, whatever the cause, it’s on us to stop it. We can’t just stand by and watch as the seams of our society tear apart around us and chaos spills out into the streets. The fate of mankind depends on it. Mankind. That word should have new meaning for all of us today. We can’t be consumed by our petty differences anymore. We will be united in our common interests. Perhaps it’s fate that today is the 4th of July, and you will once again be fighting for our freedom, not from tyranny, oppression, or persec-…

Hmm. It appears I have slipped into President Whitmore’s speech from Independence Day. Whatever. My point stands. The time for action is upon us. We will not go quietly into the night. We will not vanish without a fight. We’re going to live on. We’re going to survive. Today, we celebrate our Independe-…

Dammit, wait. That’s just the Independence Day speech again.

Just put the Sonic guys back in the car, okay? I’m not handling it well.