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‘Ted Lasso’ Power Rankings: Merry Christmas To Sad Dads And Rascal Children

The Ted Lasso Power Rankings are a weekly analysis of who and/or what had the strongest performance in each episode. Most of the list will feature individual characters, although the committee does reserve the right to honor anything from animals to inanimate objects to laws of nature to general concepts. There are very few rules here.

Season 2, Episode 4 — “Carol of the Bells”

HONORABLE MENTION: Bumbercatch (the man made a scarf, has to count for something); licking the chocolate fountain (Sexy Christmas got sidetracked but at least Keeley got to do this); Higgins (a kind man through and through but it’s still funny to me to leave him out of the listings, so here we are); antihistamines (I legitimately did not know about the bad breath thing and now I’m dreading allergy season); festive buskers (good dudes); Sam (a sweet man); Nate (did not berate any underlings this week, which we’ll call an improvement); the dentist in Roy’s stupid posh neighborhood (please do imagine a world-famous athlete knocking on your door on Christmas morning and demanding you treat his stinky niece); Trent Crimm, The Independent (I hope he had a lovely Christmas)

10. Jamie Tartt (Last week: 3)

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It must be a blast to write lines for Jamie Tartt. You can put the most ridiculous phrases in his mouth and they just come out perfect because of everything we’ve seen and heard him say to date. I mean, “God bless me, everyone” made me laugh out loud the moment I heard it and it made me laugh out loud a little bit again just now when I typed it.

It’s extra funny because it seemed like he was trying to get the quote right, like he was trying to get into the proper Christmas spirit, but something went haywire between his brain and mouth and his operating system defaults to narcissism when it encounters an issue. But make no mistake: Even this was progress. Old Jamie would have blown the whole thing off without even busting into Ted’s office to get an emergency gift. These are baby steps. Let’s continue to monitor this.

9. Ted (Last week: 9)

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I am, of course, very glad things worked out for him by the end. It was all quite sweet and nice and I think I would like to have Jason Sudeikis show up at my house on Christmas in character as Ted Lasso to perform the classics with a crew of buskers. But this almost got dark. Sitting by yourself and drinking whiskey while watching It’s a Wonderful Life on repeat is not a super-healthy way to spend Christmas. Or any other day, really. I suppose it would be even more of a bummer if he had done it in, like, April. But still.

It remains the position of The Ted Lasso Power Rankings that, before this is over, Dr. Sharon will do the therapeutic equivalent of grabbing him by his mustache and telling him to deal with the issues in his life head-on. This is coming. Ted will cry. So will the rest of us.

8. My Sweet Prince Dani Rojas (Last week: Unranked)

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Welcome at my house any Christmas. And every other holiday, too. Doesn’t even need to call first. He can just show up on Labor Day with some pre-cheeked festive beverage and we can make it a day. This applies to most of the characters on this show, if I’m being honest, but especially to my sweet prince.

7. Henry Lasso (Last week: Unranked)

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It can’t be easy to be Henry. His parents’ split is still kind of fresh and his dad is a full ocean away. There’s got to be some trauma there, somewhere. I worry about him very much. I also worry about the neighbors and the nearby power lines now that he got a guilt drone for Christmas. A drone! I did not picture Ted Lasso as an “I’ll buy my kid a drone for Christmas” kind of guy. I understand his reasoning (he’s not doing too well right now either), but it still felt like a leap.

Also, have we considered… no. It’s not time to talk about it yet. It will be time soon. In the section about Rebecca. I think you know where I’m headed here. But start thinking about it now.

6. Phoebe (Last week: Unranked)

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Phoebe is cool. I’m glad she got her revenge on Bernard. I’m glad it involved a whole Love, Actually posterboard situation because it perpetuated my misguided belief that all British people address interpersonal issues that way. (Imagine getting dumped via posterboard message. Or evicted. Receiving any devastating news, really.) But mostly, I’m glad she got her breath fixed in a way that will allow her to keep her beloved pet and soul mate Dauphine.

Phoebe is a good egg. It’s hilarious to me that one of her positive adult influences is Roy Kent, a man who probably grumbles cusses in his sleep and might have beaten up a child had his glamour model girlfriend not stepped in. I feel like this could become an issue at some point. For someone else. Not for me. I find it hilarious when children say swear words. Especially fictional ones. This is a win-win for me.

5. Keeley (Last week: Unranked)

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Two notes here:

  • It was very cool of Keeley to roll from Sexy Christmas straight into Phoebe’s Dental Emergency, in part because it sucks when fun plans get ruined and in part because Phoebe isn’t even her blood relative
  • I like that the show used the image above in the promo materials because it looks like the three of them are about to take on a violent organized crime outfit instead of a 12-year-old brat

Moving on.

4. The Mischievous Higgins Children (Last week: Unranked)

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The thing where the Higgins children are all foul-mouthed little hellions who curse in front of company and go on bloodthirsty NERF gun rampages? Yeah, that’s the stuff. My favorite Higgins rascal is the smallest one. If you look closely at the dinner you can see him go to take a swig of the champagne that’s going around the table. In fact, here, I’ll just show you.

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That’s a good lad.

3. Roy (Last week: 5)

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I’m going to just go ahead and repeat myself once again if only in the hope that me continuing to type it out in black and white on the internet will make it become a real thing: I need Roy Kent to have a daytime talk show where he dispenses advice and life lessons to an audience of yoga mums and curious soccer hooligans. I need to see his face on billboards throughout London. I need him to write a self-help book with at least one swear word in the title and I need each chapter to be five pages or fewer because he gets frustrated and just starts yelling.

Roy Kent can heal England if they let him. I’m sure of this.

2. Rebecca (Last week: 4)

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Good for Rebecca. Good for her for giving out all those gifts and good for her for cheering up Ted and good for her for getting to show off what appears to be an incredible singing voice while running around with the buskers. But here’s where we need to discuss something…

Is this going to become a thing? Are Ted and Rebecca going to become a thing? It seems like we could be headed that way, right? Or am I imagining that? Two recently divorced people who are clearly fond of each other and work in close proximity every day? I mean, that happens. It happens a lot. It could happen here. The sports world has already seen one situation where a team’s coach dated the team’s owner. I don’t know. I really do not know. This is something we will need to evaluate on a week-to-week basis.

1. Coach Beard (Last week: 1)

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Light week for Coach Beard, which could have knocked him out of the top spot if not for a magnificent little thing I only noticed on a second viewing. Do you see it? Do you see the thing I’m referring to?

Computer. Enhance.

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ENHANCE.

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I suppose, if we want to be technical about all of this, that this could have been written by anyone with access to the whiteboard in Ted’s office. But run through that list real quick. Nate? No, not his kind of humor. Higgins? Absolutely not. Ted? Doubtful. This was Coach Beard’s doing. I know it. The king stays the king.

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