‘Ted Lasso’ Power Rankings: Halftime Revelations, Physical Violence, And Baklava Nibbles

The Ted Lasso Power Rankings are a weekly analysis of who and/or what had the strongest performance in each episode. Most of the list will feature individual characters, although the committee does reserve the right to honor anything from animals to inanimate objects to laws of nature to general concepts. There are very few rules here.

Season 3, Episode 9 — “La Locker Room Aux Folles”

HONORABLE MENTION: Jamie Tartt (we already heard him say “poop-eh” once before so I had to deduct some points here); Keeley (heartbent, diarrhea of the thumbs, etc.); Sam (I liked when he gave Jamie the finger); Higgins (what if the final episode of this show is Higgins on a cruise and nothing else happens?); baklava (one of those desserts I never think about until someone else has it and then I’m like “oooo baklava”); Rupert (snake); Dani Rojas (a sweet man); Jade (I really thought Rupert was going to hit on her right in front of Nate); Trent Crimm (the chapter of his book on the Isaac-Colin stuff from this week will be gold on his press tour); seagulls (few things in life more devastating than buying a funnel cake at the beach and having a seagull swoop down and pluck all or part of it right out of your hands); Jean-Claude Van Damme (did the splits twice in Timecop); Bumbercatch (fittest guy on the team)

10. Nate (LAST WEEK: 9)


I don’t know what to make of Nate. He seems… happier, which is nice. The man is just a giant cauldron of insecurity and self-loathing and it all bubbled up and over the surface to turn him into a kind of anti-Ted, for a while, with the black outfits and the spitting and all of it, like a villain in a movie for kids. I half-expected him to show up one week with a white cat in his lap or a shark tank in his office. But things are turning around now. He blew off Rupert and the babes on Guys’ Night. He seems to like hugging Jade a lot. This is progress for Nate.

None of this should be super surprising. Ted Lasso is not a show that gets revenge on its villain by hitting them with bricks. It runs on a more “even your enemies are humans” kind of energy, which can be weird when all you want to see them do is fall down an open manhole. Your mileage may vary on how satisfying that all is. I’m just glad he’s not doing the spitting anymore. I did not enjoy that.

9. Ted (LAST WEEK: 6)


Think about this sequence of events:

  • Ted skips a press conference for family stuff and his assistant coach fills in and starts shouting at the media about famous guitarists
  • The captain of his team runs into the stands to assault a loudmouth fan
  • He skips the press conference after the game and has a different assistant coach face the press

We know how this all played out internally, how Ted remained calm and the team sorted things out and Roy matured a little bit (I said “a little”), but it all must have looked just hilariously chaotic from the outside. Picture, like, the coach of the New York Knicks doing exactly this and then Stephen A. Smith going on television to yell about it. The vein in his forehead might explode.

8. Isaac (LAST WEEK: Unranked)


I am glad that he wants to support his friend Colin and I understand that it’s all a little strange for him but you really cannot be running into the stands to punch loudmouth goons in the face, even if it is all just very satisfying.

7. Coach Beard (LAST WEEK: 1)


This is the first week in the history of these Power Rankings where Coach Beard does not take the top spot. It’s a decision I do not make lightly. I suspect he will be back up there next week and the week after that. But I slide him to number seven this week for three primary reasons:

  • Things are rarely going great when you are shouting at a room full of reporters about rock guitarists
  • Joe Walsh over Jimmy Page, in England, might get your home vandalized
  • I wanted to shake things up a little

I lied earlier. I did make this decision lightly. I pretty much just sat here and thought “I should put Beard at, like, seven this week” and then I chuckled a little bit to myself and now here we are. None of this has any scientific merit. I stand by it. Mostly.

6. Ted’s friend Stevey Jewell (LAST WEEK: Unranked)


GOOD NEWS: His favorite team, the Denver Broncos, won back-to-back Super Bowls during the formative years of his life, which has to be thrilling. I have seen my favorite teams win two titles in my life (2008 Phillies, 2018 Eagles), and that was a very good time that almost makes up for me watching them get to a championship final and lose like five or six times. I’m suddenly very jealous of Stevey Jewell. And angry. Which is pretty on-brand given the Phillies/Eagles thing I mentioned earlier.

ON THE OTHER HAND: The young man ate so much cheese dip that he did thousands of dollars of damage to his toilet. Twice. That’s… it’s just not ideal, Super Bowl victory or not.

5. Rebecca (LAST WEEK: 5)


Slotting her all the way up at five only because I imagine it was pretty cathartic for her to yell at Roy about something — the press conference, in this case — after he dumped her best friend for no good reason way back at the beginning of the season. I’m glad she got that off her chest.

4. Mae (LAST WEEK: 2)


I have said this before but I will say it again now because I still believe it with all my heart:

  • You could do a Ted Lasso spinoff just about Mae’s pub
  • You could follow multiple timelines, like her starting it years ago and running it today and all the people who have come through the pub over the years, including creeps who are rude to Clare
  • I like to imagine she did all the construction herself

I lied again. I don’t actually know if I believe that. Mae might be a character that works best in small doses, and I don’t know if there’s enough action there to sustain a full series. But I really do like thinking about it and typing it and I had this visual of her in a hard hat and tool belt just pounding away on things with a hammer and I wanted to share it with you. Worth it, really.

3. Colin (LAST WEEK: Unranked)


I mean… good? Good for Colin?

This one is tricky. It’s nice that his big secret isn’t weighing him down too too much anymore and it’s nice that the team was supportive about it all, but I have to imagine there are healthier ways to reveal your sexuality to a room full of your friends and coworkers than “somebody yoinked your phone out of your hands and discovered you are gay and then got all fired up when some dipshit fan yelled the f-slur at the team and he charged into the stands to fight the fan at halftime and the whole team was very lost and confused about it all and you felt pressured to explain the truth if only to provide context.”

So, yeah. Good for Colin. I’m glad there’s progress on this front. I hope it makes him more comfortable in the long term. But it all seems very stressful.

Also, not really relevant to the rest of this, but I need to start calling people “boy-o.” Might try it out this weekend.

2. Roy (LAST WEEK: 10)


Roy’s week, in bullet point form:

  • Blew off the one press conference and got yelled at by his boss about it
  • Loudly insisted to a full locker room that he does not have a hairy ass, which is another one of those anecdotes I would like to see slipped into Trent’s book at some point
  • Had a nice little conversation with Isaac about anger and lashing out and bottling stuff up, which is kind of like the pot and the kettle talking to each other about what color they are
  • Went back and did the press conference after that whole fiasco and yelled a little at reporters before telling a kind and nice/sad story about how people usually aren’t jerks for no reason and how it’s generally nice to cut people some slack and give them space and love them to pieces instead of casting them aside for a bad decision made in a dark moment

He’s a good man. As good a man as you can be when you also have a history of headbutting people and things that upset you. It’s a sliding scale.

1. Will Kitman (LAST WEEK: Unranked)


He’s a sweet boy.