Good news and bad news.
BAD: Justified ended its six season run this week, meaning we’ve seen the last of Raylan and Boyd and the rest of the crew from Harlan.
GOOD: Starting this Sunday, April 19, and lasting until April 25, Screenbid will auction off memorabilia from the show, and they are selling everything. From office supplies to SUVs to a very famous severed prop arm. I really recommend flipping through all 32 pages of items up for auction, if only to sit there thinking about who would actually bid on some of it. It’s fascinating and so very, very weird.
But if you don’t have the type of job where you can take an hour to scroll through 32 pages of memorabilia from cable television shows, fear not. I do have that kind of job, and I pulled out some highlights.
Item: Darryl Crowe, Jr.’s 1985 Suburban
Description: “In season 5, Darryl Crowe Jr. drives this classic 1985 GMC Sierra Suburban Diesel 6.2L. VIN #: 1G5GK26J6FF526926 Odometer reads 48,161 The interior driver’s seat is torn and both driver and passenger side arm rests are missing. Headliner fabric needs to be replaced. The exterior is in good shape. The A/C has been retrofitted to R134A from the old R12 system. The engine mounts and transmission needs work. Overall, it’s in decent shape, but it definitely needs a little work. VEHICLE IS SOLD AS IS A $150.00 document transfer fee will be required for this vehicle.”
You know what the best part of this is? I mean, besides the thing where the opening bid for every item is set at $25 and even that seems a little steep for a 30 year old diesel-powered Chevy Suburban with no arm rests and a half-shot transmission. I’ll tell you. Picture some guy, probably named Randy, pulling up to his friend’s house in this thing and proudly saying “Look familiar?” while his friend looks on in complete confusion.
Item: Severed Rubber Arm
Description: “This severed (rubber prop) arm is bloody at the edges and features a ring on the finger. It was detached from season three villain Robert Quarles by Ellstin Limehouse.”
Nice of them to specify “(rubber prop)” in the description. You don’t want to pay top dollar for a severed arm and then be surprised and disappointed when you open the package and find a fake one. We’ve all been there.
Item: Raylan’s Denim Vest
Description: “This large-size, Levis branded denim vest (sleeveless) belonged to Raylan Givens.”
Only downside here is that Raylan’s hat and full jean jacket aren’t available. Gotta believe Olyphant kept those, just to wear around the house sometimes. I would.
Item: Boyd’s Denim Bomber Jacket and Ski Mask
Description: “Boyd Crowder pulled off a bank robbery to open season six, and was wearing this black ski mask and small, wool-lined Ralph Lauren denim bomber jacket when he did the deed.”
Yes, okay, the ski mask thing, obviously. But also the thing where Boyd wore a Ralph Lauren bomber jacket to a bank robbery. It’s always important to look good. Even while committing a felony. See also.
Item: Crowder Bar Menu (1 of 2)
Description: “This yellow menu features listing of standard cafe food and was used as a prop for scenes inside Boyd Crowder’s bar in Justified.”
Boyd’s… bar… served… food? Seems risky. You don’t want your bartender/henchman dropping some onion rings in the fryer then getting kidnapped before they’re done. All that hot oil. The whole place would burn down.
I do feel a little cheated, though. I could have gone for a solid five minutes of Boyd going full Gordon Ramsay on someone over a shoddily constructed plate of nachos. “Goddamn, son. It looks like you just threw the jalapenos on there with a shovel. Take some pride in your work.”
Item: Katherine Hale’s Hidden Gun Clutch Purse
Description: “Yeah, that wasn’t a tennis bracelet she was reaching for. Katherine Hale took care of business with the gun hidden in this small clutch purse, dispatching Seabass in the hotel room. The purse — measuring 8.5 inches long by 5.5 inches high and two inches wide, comes from Style & Co. Bullet hole included!”
BULLET HOLE INCLUDED! THAT’S GOOD VALUE!
And speaking off Katherine Hale, ladies, are you planning to head to your business partner’s RV to murder him for snitching to the authorities, but you just don’t have anything to wear? Well, do I have good news for you.
Item: Raylan’s Office Stapler
Description: “This standard-sized black stapler from Swingline was found at the desk of Deputy U.S. Marshal Raylan Givens.”
There are so many staplers in this auction. Raylan’s stapler. Art’s stapler. Boyd’s stapler. Rachel’s stapler. Collect the whole set! Or maybe just buy one at Target and tell everyone it was from the show! Either way!
Item: Limehouse’s Full Rubber Pig
Description: “Sometimes nothing less than a life-size rubber pig will do. This prop pig comes from the set of Justified.”
I really can’t top that description. Moving on.
Item: Raylan’s Pictures of His Baby
Description: “Deputy U.S. Marshal Raylan Givens may have been a tough hombre, but he had his soft spots, one of which was for his newborn daughter. Here are three photos used as props to help him remember what he was doing it all for.”
Those aren’t pictures of “Raylan’s baby.” Raylan isn’t a real person. They’re auctioning off pictures of someone else’s actual baby. Why would you buy pictures of a stranger’s baby? It’s so weird and creepy.
Don’t buy pictures of a stranger’s baby.
Item: Judge Reardon’s Red Speedo
Description: “Judge Reardon liked to keep it … casual underneath his robes. These size-38 drawstring red speedos belonged to the otherwise no-nonsense Justified character.”
A fantastic opportunity for anyone in the market for a used Speedo worn by Stephen Root.
Item: Wynn Duffy’s Hotel Suite Bloody Lampshade (1 of 2)
Description: “It always seemed like people surrounding Wynn Duffy get killed, while he just got spattered in blood. For instance this once-tan lamp shade, now covered in spattered blood, from the Justified character’s hotel room.”
Remember Randy from the example about the kind of yahoo who would buy Darryl Crowe’s crappy Suburban? Now picture him buying this and putting it on a lamp in his living before having friends over, just waiting for some horrified soul to ask him about it so he can proudly explain where it’s from.
Item: Johnny Crowder’s Wheelchair
Description: “Thanks to Boyd, Johnny Crowder ended up in this wheelchair, which measures 41 inches long by 37 inches high and 16 inches wide.”
Fun fact: This isn’t the only wheelchair for sale in this auction. You can also bid on Dickie Bennett’s. And Dickie Bennett’s entire outfit, too. You can go as Dickie Bennett for Halloween and be staggeringly accurate about it. All you need to do is leave your hair unwashed and uncombed for six to eight weeks and then shave off a few blotches at random. It’s too easy, really.
Thanks to Paul for the tip