TV

This Week On CBS’s ‘Zoo’: The Lab-Made Flying Hellbeasts Are Taking New York!


There’s really quite a lot to get to from this week’s episode of Zoo, so in the interest of time — and because I love explaining wild plot points from this show without providing much, if any, context — let’s clear out a few things in bullet points before we get to the good stuff. Bob Benson from Mad Men fired a harpoon crossbow at a drone. I swear to god. This show, man.

Okay, bingo bango. Here we go:

  • The evil Reiden lady offered to give Abe and Dariela their kid back if they turn over the secretly pregnant Clementine, which they are torn about buuuut then Dariela decides to do it anyway without telling Abe. She sets a trap where a team of armed female goons grab Clem and they do buuuut the plan goes awry and the goons are now going to sell Clementine on the black market. Whoops.
  • Clementine, the 19-year-old girl who looks like a supermodel, is a self-described gearhead who fixes cars to relax and rides a motorcycle because this show is slowly turning into a Fast & Furious movie where screeching hellbirds terrorize the skies, right down to Abe referring to their crew as “a family.” I love it.
  • Two science plane notes: One, Jamie — the former blogger turned billionaire author and loose cannon vigilante who has a hostage on board that she tortures with a cattle prod — flies the plane using a tablet, because Zoo. Two, as you can see above, the plane still has a fully stocked bar. I love this, as well.

Now to the good stuff.

The giant divebombing hybrid demon birds are capable of causing volcanoes to erupt because they have mutated hummingbird muscles that vibrate at a high enough speed to cause the Earth to shake, which I think we all should have seen coming, really

I think this is best described in a series of images.

The best part is that when one character was slightly taken aback by this development, another one reminded them that there was a sloth that could cause earthquakes with its shrieks last season. I can’t decide which I like better. The bloodthirsty hellbirds that burrow underground to set off volcanoes are cool, I guess. But there’s something charmingly simple about a regular little sloth screaming so hard it turns a city into rubble.

THERE IS A DOG ON THE SHOW AND THE DOG IS NAMED PIZZA

I backed up twice to make sure I heard this right, and even then I thought it was too good to be true. And my screener didn’t have closed captions, so I couldn’t verify 100 percent. So, I watched live with the closed captions on and yup, you guys, the dog is named Pizza.

THE DOG IS NAMED PIZZA.

This is easily my favorite development of this season. Sometimes I feel like they are making this show just for me.

The soaring godless terrordactyls invaded New York on the orders of Jackson’s secret sister but were thwarted by a plan that involved a drone and a goddang harpoon crossbow that was just on the plane, you gotta see it, it’s the best

Right, so. Abigail, the secret sister of Jackson Oz — who, again, is Bob Benson from Mad Men — lures the hybrid beasts to New York to the skyscraper headquarters of Reiden, the evil chemical company that confiscated the county’s children to try to reverse a sterilization they kind of caused. Eventually she was cornered by Mitch. When she was, she gave a speech that I really must print in full, because if I don’t, who will?

You’re bound by the edicts of the old order, but I’m going beyond. Beyond the constraints of this planet, beyond the regime of humanity, beyond the concept of life as you understand it. I’m going to create a new world. And I’m bringing my hybrids with me.

So that’s cool.

Anyway, she heaves the homing device down the stairs and run offs, and the — hold on, let me think of another way to “evil hybrid hellbirds” — synthetic winged demon beasts start causing havoc. All appears to be lost.

But.

Mitch and Logan find a drone just sitting around and attach the homing device to it and use it to lead the beasts away from the city and out to sea. The day is saved.

But.

The weight of the device drains the drone’s battery in like 30 seconds and it won’t make it out of the city. All is lost, again.

But.

Yup. Bob Benson from Mad Men and Abe hatch a plan to shoot the drone with a harpoon crossbow and drag the device behind them in the freaking science plane, like a boat pulling a water skier, but instead of a boat and a water skier, it’s a multimillion-dollar tablet-controlled jumbo jet filled with every scientific invention known to man and a drone carrying a device that communicates with futuristic hybrid dinobirds that are capable of burying themselves underground and setting off volcanic eruptions with their giant mutant hummingbird muscles. Here, look.

What a remarkable television program. I hope it never ends.

Oh, whoops. Also, in all the hubbub with the murderous volcano birds terrorizing New York’s skies and the woman commanding them giving really A+ Unhinged Villain speeches, Jamie murdered the CEO of Reiden in cold blood because the CEO was #actually the mysterious “Falcon” that Jamie has been hunting for years, in between earning millions and millions of dollars as a world famous author. Basically, it would be like if J.K. Rowling killed Martin Shkreki. I feel like that’s worth noting, too.

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