Last night marked the end of the shortened sixth season of True Blood, and the 10th episode, “Radioactive,” undoubtedly left people flicking their fangs in rage. I won’t waste a lot of time with a wordy introduction about what I thought of the complete season or how I felt the final episode tied up the loose ends and left us scratching our heads, because I’m just going to get to the main, uncut story that everyone is talking about so we can get it out of the way and then focus on all of the other stuff that may or may not have made much sense.
But after we talk about Eric Northman’s penis and what happened to him in his lone appearance in “Radioactive,” we’ll recap this episode and look back at the 6th season with a few random thoughts and complaints about how certain stories are told.
True or False: Eric Northman and his penis are not dead.
I didn’t even have to look at Twitter and Tumblr to know what the collective reaction was going to be after Eric Northman’s Warlow blood wore off and he was exposed to the sunlight. People were PISSED, because they honestly believe that this is how the show’s writers would send arguably the most popular character to his eternal grave. Clearly, if anything, he’ll have been saved by Pam and/or all of the snow when the 7th season begins, and he’ll probably make it back in time to help Bill and the others fight off the new vampire hordes. Or maybe he’ll fight against the humans, who knows?
What people should be upset about is that this was all there was to his decision to leave Pam and everyone behind. He just wanted to go find his own Fortress of Solitude and read a book. Some people were let down by him bursting into flames, while I was let down that we didn’t get a new layer of depth to the show’s most interesting and volatile character, while everyone else suddenly progressed more in six months than they have in six seasons.
True or False: The 7th season of True Blood should just be a season of The Bachelor with all of Sookie’s romantic interests.
While Sookie had Warlow waiting for her in fairy land, and after she told Sam that she thought they’d end up together, and even in spite of her endless sexual tensions with Bill and Eric, she still led Alcide on during and after the funeral, only to somehow end up with him in the end. This season was basically written by and for people with short attention spans.
True or False: Bill’s so bummed about relegating Sookie to an eternity of being Warlow’s vampire/fairy wife that he can’t even enjoy the massive vampire orgy on his front lawn.
It’s probably because the random vampires were stealing his furniture and lighting his lawn on fire. That sh*t was not cool, you guys.
True or False: Sookie kept complaining that Jason wasn’t at Terry’s funeral and then doesn’t even ask him what happened when she found him.
She doesn’t care who Violet is or why her brother is now a snack for her, and she doesn’t even think to ask what happened, nor does he even mention the fact that he was just a prisoner in a camp dedicated to vampire genocide. Meanwhile, Sookie also doesn’t even mention that Terry is dead, but by this point I was so confused that I forgot whether Jason knew or not.
True or False: Sookie asking Warlow if they could date was just so incredibly Sookie.
Sookie always keeps her promises, but she was looking for any way to get out of her engagement to Warlow, which is the opposite of always keeping a promise. Instead, Sookie asked to date the immortal vampire who has been alive for thousands of years. It’s just relationship protocol, okay? I assume this was to leave the door open for her to suddenly start dating Alcide.
True or False: Warlow didn’t care for Sookie’s stupid idea.
He only wants her for blood and sex, which is at least an improvement for Sookie, because she’s only ever been wanted for sex before.
True or False: Move over, Top Gun volleyball scene.
Jealous vampire daytime volleyball set to The Breeders “Cannonball” is the new worst volleyball scene ever. There’s also something brewing between Jessica and Violet over Jason, which I’d like to request just stops now, because no women should fight over Jason.
True or False: Andy is a terrible dad. He’s already lost 3 of 4 daughters, so why wouldn’t he send Adderall into battle against Warlow?
It’s also a really convenient plot point that everyone knew to hold on to the fairies while they were jumping dimensions, because otherwise that might have caused an actual new plot development that would require an intelligent solution.
True or False: Grandpa has the best timing ever.
So after all of that, Grandpa Munster can just come back to Sookie’s dimension right when she needs him most, in order to help Jason stake Warlow. Cool ending, bros. Oh wait, it’s only halfway through the episode? That must mean that something even bigger is coming, right? Because there’s no way that we just spent a whole season teasing the idea that Warlow was this horribly evil vampire king, directly linked to Lillith, only for him to be staked by Jason’s goofy ass while Grandpa reached through the space-time Saran Wrap and held him.
True or False: Bill should probably hire a lawyer.
Bill admitted on TV that he ripped the governor’s head off. Pretty sure that’s illegal. Even if the governor did invent Hep-V and coordinated the plan to spread it across the vampire population. Because as far as I can tell, nobody even really knew about the camp except for the employees and the vampires that escaped. And the employees are all dead. So it’s the word of murderous vampires against no one? Except Sarah Newlin, whom Jason let run off last week, and didn’t bother showing up this week.
True or False: QUICKEST. MAYORAL. CAMPAIGN. EVER.
Two weeks ago, Sam wasn’t even allowed to stay in Bon Temps. Six months from now, he’s the mayor and he wants people to volunteer to be feeders, because this will end well. That one lady got up and ran out like, “Why, I never!” and I would have been right behind her. Unless I was assigned to Jessica or Violet.
True or False: Tara’s mom is Hepatitis-V positive.
Tara’s mom begging her to feed on her is the creepiest part of the entire season and she obviously has Hep-V. That’s the only thing that makes sense out of that, because otherwise that was way too weird. Also, what was up with the little girl sitting next to Sookie? Was that some sort of foreshadowing that she wants a kid? Would it be a wolf-fairy? Oh wait! How about Sookie gets pregnant and every episode is devoted to determining the father.
Just kidding. DO NOT do that, True Blood writers.
True or False: Jessica volunteering to protect Andy and Adderall means that they’re going to be in a lot of trouble next season.
I guess when you eat three out of four fairy babies, you should probably keep an eye on the last one. Otherwise Jessica would just be a bitch.
True or False: The vampire horde doesn’t look very pleasant.
So long, humans vs. vampires. Hello, vampires vs. vampires. Let’s hope this new war actually happens.
See y’all next season, and thanks for keeping me company.