Who doesn’t love a spinoff? Some might say the answer to that question is “most people.” Spinoffs have always had a dicey track record, exceptions like Frasier aside. Lately they’ve fallen into a bit of a Chicago Special Victims Unit: Miami rut where CBS and Dick Wolf throw darts at a map and start a new iteration of a popular series in whatever metropolitan area they get closest to. (“Coming next fall… [flings dart]… CSI: Pittsburgh!”) But that’s starting to change, thanks mostly to AMC’s Breaking Bad prequel Better Call Saul, which is currently in the middle of its excellent second season. Now spinoffs are hot, baby! Probably!
And so, with that in mind, I went ahead and came up with a few potential spinoffs of my own. Are they good? Well, no. Maybe. Mostly they’re a silly excuse to make jokes about television characters I like and/or miss. I’ll cop to that. But I am incredibly serious about the last one. Know that going in.
Here we go…
Just a normal day in Westeros, nothing new to reporWHOOOAAA-OOOOHHHH-OOOAAAA Littlefinger just got sucked into a time warp! And it spit him out right in the middle of modern-day South Beach! What’s he gonna do?!
I’ll tell you what: He’s gonna open a night club! After a brief adjustment period (“Who is this ‘Pitbull’ and how did he acquire such power over this kingdom?”), he takes all the gold he has on him, trades it for cash, and sets about starting a new Miami business empire one devious step at a time. Pressuring investors and local government bureaucrats with blackmail? You know it! Playing underworld figures off each other in his club’s luxurious office to increase his power and influence? And how! Maybe plotting to kill an evil child or something? A Littlefinger classic! Like Encino Man meets Scarface meets Cocktail meets House of Cards. Just what television has always needed.
House of Mimi
The most incredible development in the second season of Empire — and let’s keep in mind that the season also featured Chris Rock as a notorious crime lord-slash-cannibal — was the introduction of Marisa Tomei as a hip-hop loving lesbian billionaire named Mimi Whiteman who was secretly married to Naomi Campbell’s character, Camilla, the older woman Hakeem had been sleeping with. One of the older women Hakeem had been sleeping with. The one who wasn’t engaged to his father. Lot happening on this show.
But anyway, Mimi. I must know more. We must know more. And that’s why we need a Mimi Whiteman prequel. Back before she was a hip-hop loving lesbian billionaire. Before she was even a hip-hop loving lesbian millionaire. Back to when she was just a young hip-hop loving lesbian with a dream. Then we watch her rise.