America’s Got Talent (NBC) — Season premiere. Assclown-of-all-trades Nick Cannon hosts, while NBC utility player Howie Mandel takes David Hasselhoff’s spot on the judges’ panel. When reached for comment, the Hoff said, “Blrrrrrg you doan know the first thing abow thuvvvvzzzz… WHA? Huh?”
Losing It with Jillian (NBC) — Series premiere. I generally disagree with everything the Washington Post’s Hank Stuever has to say, but I liked how he phrased this in his review: “‘Losing It With Jillian’ takes what was good about ‘The Biggest Loser’ — the weigh-ins, the workouts, the touchy-feely fussbudget who is Jillian’s co-star, Bob Harper — and replaces it with all that oopy-goopy lard of the sorrow of being fat.” The sorrow of being fat. That sounds like the title of a hilarious poem.
Justified (FX) — Second-to-last episode of the season. I’m gonna miss you, Raylan Givens. Not as much as your bangin’ ex-wife, but still: a lot.
Hell’s Kitchen (Fox) — Season premiere. Gordon Ramsay yells at aspiring chefs who aren’t good enough for “Top Chef.”
Downtown Girls (MTV) — Series premiere. It’s like “The Hills” and “the City,” except with people who aren’t even important enough for the tabloids to cover them.