Guys’ Choice Awards (Spike) — You know, it’s about time Hollywood catered to men for once. (Side note: how much would you pay to kick Jamie Foxx in the groin with a steel-toed boot? I’ve given it some thought, and I’ve decided on about $1500 — assuming I can film it.)
Impact (ABC) — Part 1 of a miniseries about a meteor shower that sends the moon on a collision course with Earth. Like Armageddon, but without Bruce Willis. Bonus: also without Ben Affleck.
Merlin (NBC) — A new series that bastardizes the sh-t out of the story of Camelot: “A contemporary take on the legend of a young Merlin and King Arthur in the mythical city of Camelot. When Merlin, a gifted man with amazing magical powers, arrives in the kingdom, he becomes fast enemies with then Prince Arthur.” That’s great, except Merlin aged backwards, and Arthur became king as a boy. Why don’t they just add some vampires?
True Blood (HBO) — Hey, speaking of vampires: Sookie’s still learning to deal with a teenage bloodsucker living with Bill. Gosh! Dating the undead can be so exasperating!
Bridezillas (We) — The suffix ‘-zilla” really does make everything cooler. Proof: I call Vince at FilmDrunk “Fagzilla.”
Somali Pirate Takedown the Real Story (Discovery) — I spoke with someone recently who believed that militaries should be obsolete now that the world is so economically intertwined. And I was all, “Yeah? You gonna freeze the Somali pirates’ assets?” Then I set that dirty hippie on fire as a warning to the others.