NCAA Basketball: Kansas v. Kentucky (CBS, 9 p.m.) – I’m not a big college basketball fan, but I hope the Jayhawks win because Scott Bakula, Paul Rudd, and Mandy Patinkin went to the University of Kansas. All Kentucky has is poet Wendell Berry. BOOOOOOOO. (Check out With Leather’s coverage.)
Adventure Time (Cartoon, 7:30 p.m.) – Season premiere. An animated series for kids that doesn’t make you feel like a total creep and/or idiot for watching it.
Bones/House (Fox, 8-10 p.m.) – These two sputtering shows should combine forces, and become Bones House, the world’s greatest blues musician. His music’s terrible, but that name!
Gossip Girl (CW, 8 p.m.) – The name of tonight’s episode is “Con Heir.” I don’t know how to tell ya this, Blair, but we are three white guys short. Or as they say in Ebonics, “We be fu*ked.”
Oprah’s Lifeclass: The Tour (OWN, 8 p.m.) – Earlier today, on “CBS This Morning,” Oprah said, “Had I known that [running OWN network] was this difficult, I might have done something else.” Oh, but Oprah, then us common people wouldn’t have been able to watch “Oprah & Tony Robbins Live from New York; Living Fearlessly.” I need to know how to live without fear! Mondays continue to be the worst.
LATE NIGHT GUESTS: Betty White and Pauly D on Leno (I’d rather watch Oprah taking a dump on Tony Robbins for three hours); Seann William Scott on Kimmel; Jennifer Love Hewitt on Kimmel; Julie Chen and Pau Gasol on Ferguson; NPH on Conan; Mohamed Nasheed on Stewart; and Gary Johnson on Colbert.