What’s On Tonight: Reruns and Garbage

Just about everything is in reruns tonight. Maybe think about reading a book or something.

Saturday Night Live Presents: A Very Gilly Christmas (NBC) – A rerun from last year featuring a bunch of the show’s Christmas sketches. “A Very Gilly Christmas” sounds more like a threat than anything else.

Who’s Still Standing? (NBC) – I have nothing to say about this new trivia contest except this: I would annihilate every person on this show. Every single one of them. That’s not me being cocky, either. That is A FACT. You should see me when I play Trivial Pursuit. Total bloodbath.

Larry the Cable Guy’s Star-Studded Christmas Celebration (Comedy Central) – Nope.

Chopped (Food Network) – It says tonight the contestants have to include marmalade in their appetizers, rabbit in their entrees, and vanilla ice cream in their desserts? What?! I could do that. There better be a secret ingredient like sardines or a gallon of orange soda, or I’m going to be extremely disappointed.

Flor Salvaje (Telemundo) – I put this show’s TV Guide summary through an online translator, and it spit out, “A young woman comes to an oil village and begins to work in a cabaret in order to keep her sisters. There she is converted to a strong woman and capable of defending what she loves most in life.” This sounds better than anything on American television tonight. By a LONG SHOT. Working in an oil village cabaret sounds like something they’d threaten you with if you weren’t holding your own at a classier establishment. “DAMMIT DENISE! You better start hitting your marks, or so help me God you’ll be working in an OIL VILLAGE CABARET by this time next week!”

LATE NIGHT GUESTS: Harry Connick, Jr. and Scott van Pelt on Letterman; Robin Wright on Ferguson; Charles Barkley and Berenice Bejo on Leno; Tom Cruise on Fallon; Patton Oswalt and comedian Joe Mande on Conan. So, yeah. Just watch Conan.