The Whispers (ABC, 10:00 p.m.) — ABC has managed to take a completely normal phase of everyone’s childhood — you know, that time you had an imaginary friend named Susan who you’d have afternoon tea with on Thursdays, and who was responsible for cutting the heads off all your Barbies because you, of course, would never do that — and make it the stuff of nightmares. The season premiere of the network’s sci-fi show has aliens invading Earth and using children to facilitate their plans of world domination. (It looks like someone’s been reading that journal I keep where I list all the ways the impending Apocalypse could happen.)
So You Think You Can Dance (Fox, 8:oo p.m.) — I usually make a big stink about reality competition shows, but, for some damn reason, I still love So You Think You Can Dance. It’s definitely not the judges (or the host, who I usually put on mute), but unlike American Idol and The Voice, most of this show is dedicated to actual talent. Tonight’s season premiere includes auditions in Memphis and Dallas and, in the most random media ploy of all-time, an interview with Michelle Obama.
American Ninja Warrior (NBC, 8:00 p.m.) — The show that travels the country in order to find the small number of Americans who have managed to not become overweight couch potatoes (yet) makes a stop in Kansas City, challenging the elite among us to display their athletic prowess on some questionably named obstacle courses.
The Bachelorette (ABC, 8:00 p.m.) — After that Brokeback Bromance was a bust, ABC is hoping to hook us again with sumo wrestling, date traps, escape rooms, and elementary sex ed classes.
WWE Monday Night Raw (USA, 8:00 p.m.) — No one’s happy that Dean Ambrose won that WWE World Heavyweight Championship match (least of all the referee who got knocked out mid-bout), and John Cena is still trying to figure out what happened in his fight with Kevin Owens at WWE Elimination Chamber.
Devious Maids (LIFE, 9:00 p.m.) — The Season 3 premiere kicks off with the aftermath of a wedding shootout, and the return of a familiar couple and their mysterious new daughter. A lot can be said about Lifetime, but with shows like this, they’ve got the over-40 housewife market on lock.
Texas Rising (HIST, 9:00 p.m.) — The call to march his troops south to face Santa Anna’s army in one final battle has General Sam Houston’s judgement in question, but because he’s Bill f*cking Paxton and he gives absolutely zero f*cks, we head south and (eventually) beat those Mexicans. You’re welcome, America.
TURN: Washington’s Spies (AMC, 10:00 p.m.) — Arnold rescues Peggy from an angry mob, Abe’s time in prison wasn’t a total bust and Hewlett and Simcoe are on the outs.
The Island (NBC, 10:00 p.m.) — The guys learn some hard truths about living on a piece of land in the middle of the ocean; mainly, that salt water is absolutely useless.
UnReal (LIFE, 10:00 p.m.) — I kid you not, this show is a scripted TV series about a reality TV series*.
*The series this show is mocking is, you guessed it, The Bachelor.
LATE NIGHT LISTINGS: Jeremy Piven, Adam Carolla and Hozier on Kimmel; Melissa McCarthy and Ed Sheeran on Fallon; Rosy Byrne on Meyers; Hannah Simone, Pete Holmes, and Noel Gallagher on Corden; and Joel McHale on Conan.