Warren the Ape (MTV) — Warren gets his spin-off a mere eight years after Fox canceled “Greg the Bunny.” Not exactly the blueprint for success, but the word on the street is that this is pretty funny, with the added bonus of being crude. Also, airing before “Warren,” The Hard Times of RJ Berger debuts at its regular time slot.
For Neda (HBO) — A documentary about Neda Agha-Soltan, the Iranian protester who died last summer. Sounds cheerful.
Saving Grace (USA) — The team investigates a beheading. I don’t know who’s on the team or what it does, but I felt like I should mention “Saving Grace” so it wouldn’t feel so lonely.
Dance Your Ass Off (Oxygen) — Season premiere? I put a question mark there because my brain has a failsafe filter that prevents me from learning anything about a show on Oxygen.
The Bachelorette (ABC) — Ignoring this show has to be one of the bigger perks of my job.
Little People, Big World (TLC) — Season finale. More like “Little People, Big Fart Noise.” Also on TLC tonight: Cake Boss. Wait, I take back my fart noise directed at the little people. “Cake Boss” gets the fart noise; “Little People, Big World” gets a wanking motion. I apologize; sometimes my complex ratings system confuses even me.
Bizarre Foods (Travel Channel) — Andrew Zimmern travels to Baja Mexico, where he’ll search local menus for testicles to eat.
Major League Baseball (ESPN) — Mariners at Cardinals. Woo-hoo, a Seattle team on national television! Maybe the M’s will even score a run! Ha ha ha, just kidding, the Mariners don’t score runs. The only thing that sucks harder than their offense is the 50-mile radius surrounding St. Louis. That city doesn’t get one-tenth of the derision it deserves.