*Record scratch, freeze frame* “Yup, thats me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situation. Well, it all started when…”
Raccoons are a font of amusing local news stories, whether they’re daringly scaling buildings, stealing donuts and phones, being dazzled by disappearing cotton candy, or — in Milton, West Virginia, on Monday — getting so drunk on fermented crabapples that people thought two rabid raccoons were on the loose. Party hard.
The Milton Police Department wrote on Facebook, “So, Ptl Scarberry made his first apprehension today, taking this masked bandit into custody with assistance of Sgt Collins and several neighborhood residents. We have had calls on suspected rabid raccoons twice over the last two days. Turns out they appear to be drunk on crabapples. Ptl Withers caught one yesterday on Brickyard Ave with the help of the city street department. Today’s culprit was on Highland Ave and Mason Street and it was a community effort.”
It turns out one of the raccoons is already known to locals as “Dallas” the raccoon, and both of these wee drunkards were unharmed and released into the woods. Godspeed, you tipsy trash pandas. The Milton Police Department writes, “If you see a staggering and disoriented raccoon please do not approach it. It could be sick so call us and we’ll take care of it. Welcome to Milton, Dallas.”
I mean, if you see a If you see a staggering and disoriented anything please do not approach it. That’s just good advice.
And if you were wondering what a drunk raccoon looks like (we’re always wondering about it), Gizmodo reminded us of the time way back in 2015 when we wrote about this delightful, dauntless, drunk-as-hell little fellow who wandered into a beer distributor and got absolutely sh*thammered on booze. Ah, simpler times back then.