Kill, kill, kill: Mike Vick’s turtle

05.10.07 11 years ago 43 Comments

This is probably the least lethal video that will get shown in our kill, kill, kill series. Nonetheless, the very same ferocious instinct driving this turtle to attack these cats, compelled the mighty T.Rex to be a killing machine. If this turtle had some dagger-like teeth or sharp claws, there would be two less cats in this world. As it stands, it can only lash out in impotent fury. Like ESPN’s ombudsman.

Terrapin vs. housecat. Christmas Ape’s loyalties must be deeply divided on this one.

Speaking of foul-tempered reptiles, even though Al Davis can’t win anymore, he is still one vengeful old bastard. Adam Rank at the FanHouse says Davis waited as long as possible to fire personnel executive Mike Lombardi, in order to keep him from hooking up with another team this season. Leaky Lombardi should brush up on his Italian, starting with “omertà.”

I shit you not: this Arcade Fire song sounds like Eddie & the Cruisers.

Last item: Oral Sex Increases Throat Cancer Risk Scientists Say Just want to let our valued readers know this story is out there. Personally, I think the doctors behind this report are all vile little cretins who are trying to fill our heads with damnable lies. They should be dragged into the streets and flogged mercilessly.

In the meantime, you might want to rehearse a phony refutation in case someone tries to cite this study at a particularly inopportune time. “Whoa baby, that report was roundly rejected by a blue-ribbon, double-blind, uh twelve-year study at the University of Medicine Tech State. Yeah, it was, uh, even on Oprah.”

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