If you were following NBA free agency on Twitter, you probably saw the Internet collectively howl with laughter at Paul Pierce for trying to participate in the great basketball player emoji fest of 2015. Instead of just tweeting an emoji, he posted an image file of an emoji. That’s not how that works, Paul! That’s not how any of this works!
It just goes to show that nowadays you have to know how to properly use emoji or you’re basically 500 years old. Sorry, I don’t make the rules. That’s just how it is. Technology evolves at breakneck speed and you better keep up with the most ridiculous aspects of it or the world will pass you by.
Today, we draft things these damned kids are into that make us feel like a bunch of old, out-of-touch fussbudgets. Your picks in the comments, unless you are young, in which case get off our lawn.
1. StuScottsBooyahs – People waxing nostalgic about Gameboy Advance
I had the giant plastic gray brick that was the original Game Boy and I can still hum the entirety of every tinny song from ALL levels of Super Mario Land.
2. David Rappoccio – Snapchat
I do not understand Snapchat. Why did Snapchat get popular? It’s like an automatically deleting Instagram. It’s pointless.
Trevor: It’s the teen sexting app. It’s what teens use to send nudes but not get their lives ruined by having nudes posted everywhere in their school.
3. Matt Rothstein – “On fleek”
What is that?
4. Trevor Risk – Pop music
When I was in my early twenties, the too-cool-for-christmas crowd was into subversive music, and stuff that was considered contrary to the charts. Now, everyone in their twenties who snubs their nose at “basics” listens to the Billboard Hot 100. Like, you’re calling someone else basic while you listen to Taylor Swift and Kendrick Lamar? I remember when I was that age, all the real hip people listened to, like, Turbonegro and Lightning Bolt and the Starlite Desperation and Adult. Now the cool kids listen to the charts and I try to not let it mean to me that music is about to die entirely.
5. Spilly – Freemium games
I don’t want to play a game that requires buying packs of crystalcoingolds at 99 cents a pop for an extended 15 minutes of whateverthef*ck.
I want to pay ten dollars for a game that is fun to play for a while and then I stop.
6. RobotsFightingDinosaurs – Minecraft
I mean, I get it. It’s Legos: the video game. I understand the appeal. But consarnit kids in MY DAY we built REAL spaceships and laser guns and giant penises out of Legos and then had to use our IMAGINATION to play with them. Plus, creepers are a lot less fun than sneaking into your brother’s bedroom to smash up the race car he spent all Sunday afternoon building.
7. Johnny Sugar – Bro-country
In the past two years, I’ve spent many shifts at a job where the modern country station would play for six solid hours, and I just don’t get it. I mean, yeah, country was never cool, but at least it used to be capable of justifying its existence. Every song by Florida Georgia Line/Luke Bryan/whoever is shittier than the last one.
8. Christmas Ape – PewDiePie
I guess I could more generally say YouTube stars, but mostly it’s the type that just scream things over video games. Don’t get me wrong, I use the sh*t out of video game walkthrough videos, though I’m only ever watching the part that is relevant to where I might be stuck in a game. But I’m not watching some dude play through a f*cking game just to shout his inane commentary over it. THIS MOTHERF*CKER MADE $7 MILLION LAST YEAR. I mean, whatever, get that money and all that. I just don’t understand the appeal.
9. Old James – A lack of respect
Seriously, whose house? If it’s anything like the abomination coming from my neighbor’s garage band, then no, I don’t like house music. Why are you laughing?
10. Old James – Pokemon
We joke a lot about the Pokemon here. I’ve yet to understand a single one.
11. Christmas Ape – Millennial-focused news sites
For example, Mic and a bunch of others that I almost never read. I am a millennial, albeit an older one, and I don’t feel like being pandered to, so they just end up making me feel older than whatever people are consuming this bullsh*t.
12. Johnny Sugar – Selfie sticks
I don’t have some old man rant about selfies, it’s just that carrying a big stick around to take pictures with seems to defeat the purpose of a camera phone.
13. RobotsFightingDinosaurs – Joggers
They’re sweatpants. Ugly, jeans-looking, uncomfortable looking sweatpants. And yet, for some reason, they’re featured in every single JackThreads email I get next to slick slim-fit suits, anchor printed short-sleeve button downs, and boat shoes.
Don’t wear sweatpants outside.
14. Spilly – Using Vine for anything more than people falling down
How are there Vine stars? I have a bare acceptance of Youtube stars who just talk into a laptop screen, but Vine? Do I really need to live vicariously through a #teen for six seconds at a time? HOW DO YOU PEOPLE MAKE MONEY DOING THIS? THERE’S NOTHING THERE. DAMN MILLENNIALS. WHERE ARE MY MEDICATIONS.
15. Trevor Risk – Emoji
I get that we’re headed to a place where we’re basically communicating in hieroglyphics, and i’m sure that will topple the proverbial Tower of Babel better than Esperanto did, but they seem to add new symbols every month, and i don’t know what they mean anymore. I asked where we were meeting up and you sent me what looks like a middle-aged cartoon mom in a bunny hug. They’re also too small. Is that a nose, a taco? What? I like English. It took me a lot of time and speech therapy to learn it. It ate the entire planet. Can everyone use it at least until i’m dead please?
16. Matt Rothstein – Ariana Grande
Am I missing something? She’s literally a tiny baby-person. Should I not be disturbed by this?
17. David Rappoccio – Text speak
Our phones have full keyboards now, why is it getting worse, why do I have to google half the letter combinations that get sent my way
18. StuScottBooyahs – Twitter
I don’t understand how to use it effectively, and I don’t suspect I will ever care enough to do so.
Spilly: Here’s how to use twitter: don’t like anything, make sure to sh*t on everyone else. Cat pictures.