Tuesday is a good day for declarative statements, and I started my morning with several. First, I told my colleagues that I would not be eating at Chipotle again due to their continued bad PR. Then, when several of my co-workers pointed out that all restaurants have rats (true) and that it’s unlikely I would contract either E. coli or norovirus if I chose to enjoy a burrito bowl (without guac as I am not made of money) at my local shopping galleria, I informed them that all that really matters is #optics and that, currently, Chipotle’s #optics are very bad.
For the next 15 minutes, time I should have spent editing a piece on Lyft and Taco Bell’s new partnership (very good), I thought about where I’d eat the next time I went to the galleria, which is different from a shopping mall because sometimes a guy plays the piano at Nordstrom and also there’s a vending machine that sells “fresh baguettes” for $3. After much soul-searching, I finally settled on McDonald’s both because it is cheap and because they serve breakfast all day now, meaning that I could enjoy hash browns and an Egg McMuffin both before or after I was done bagging great deals at everyday low prices.
I was almost ready to make an announcement (a thing I like to do), when my editor hit me with something that brought my good decisions crashing down around me with that he termed a “HOT CONSPIRACY THEORY.” That theory? That McDonald’s employees are trying to save you when they say the ice cream machines are broken.
The evidence? A series of tweets by someone who claims to be a former McDonald’s employee with nothing to lose. And when you have nothing to lose, it appears, you get on Twitter and post the hell out of every health and safety violation (allegedly) that’s taking place at Ronald’s house. Were you also one of those people that said they’d never eat at Chipotle again? That’s cool. Real quick: here’s a photo of what’s (allegedly) going on inside the ice cream machine.