Senior Editor
09.24.09 30 Comments


He-Man movie that had been in development at WB and since dropped, has been picked up by Columbia. The blogosphere had been really excited about the last He-Man script, because it was written by the guy who did Street Fighter: The Legend of Chris Klein’s Awful Acting and was described as “Lord of the Rings meets The Matrix meets Batman Begins”.  It’s true, bloggers are stupid.  Meanwhile, Universal and Mattel have announced plans for a movie version of Barbie.  My favorite part of that story was the opening line.

Universal Pictures has added Barbie to its star stable.

Haha, ‘stable’, get it?  Because Barbie is a whore and Universal is a pimp.  A ‘no-good pimp I wouldn’t trust to wash my car,’ specifically.  Anyway, since this news is surprising to precisely no one, let’s all have a good laugh at how they try to justify this.  Sure, I believe you, Universal, you’re just trying to pay your way through college. Now turn around so I can stick another Washington in your cooter.

According to Mattel, the 50-year old Barbie has 99% worldwide brand awareness, is the number one girls property in the toy industry, the top doll property in the U.S. and the number one worldwide property in the traditional toy industry.

99% worldwide brand awareness, impressive.  I bet that was a highly scientific survey.  You can just imagine some poindexter with a stethoscope around his neck and a pocket protector filled with bunsen burners waving the flies out of some Somalian’s eyes asking, “DO YOU KNOW WHO BARBIE IS?”

Producer Laurence Mark said the next step will be to canvas writers and decide a creative take for a family-friendly movie. Mark, who just produced “Julie & Julia” was one of several A-list producers who met with Mattel and U execs. Mark said he felt fortunate to get the job and said there is no shortage of plot possibilities, since Barbie has held more than 120 jobs over the years.  “Barbie may be the most popular girl in the world, and has always been a wonderfully aspirational figure, so we must do her proud,” Mark said. [Variety]

I think a fun modern take would see Barbie working for a PR firm where she has to pretend the world is dying to see a f’cking Barbie movie.  Because the modern woman faces challenges, you see.  But that’s no reason not to look pretty and only say nice things, is it dear.  By the way, what’s for dinner?

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