Friday Free for All: The World’s Most Terrifying Rape Van

Senior Editor
06.25.10 56 Comments

Friday Free for All is that time of the week when I get to post something I feel like posting, movie-related or not.  Because hey, no one should work hard on Friday.  Send your tips to

Though it hasn’t come up in a while, some of the grey beards in the back of the FilmDrunk short bus can probably remember a time when FilmDrunk was the internet’s number one source for news about creepy rape vans.  Today’s Friday Free for All post harkens back to that time.  I present to you: the rapiest van in the history of rape vans.  You might wonder: how does one create a rapier rape van than one with Neverending Story murals and bars on the windows?  To which I’d answer, “How about ornate wood carvings?  How about ornate wood carvings of weird devil-jesters with horns?  How about a centerpiece that appears to be an insane vagrant, grinning maniacally as he rides the box cars of hell, shoveling children’s toes into his mouth out of an old tin of baked beans?”

These pictures were sent in by FilmDrunkard Megan, who writes:

Here is a man dressed as a clown at the Fremont fair in Seattle. This was the most blatant pedophilic display i have ever seen. Note not only the van, but also in the second picture, I’m not sure you can fully see it, but the man is dressed like a clown out of your nightmares [Dr. Rockzo?] and had a monkey puppet-which he used to traumatize the audience as he sang along to the oldies station he had blaring. It was like something out of a Rob Zombie movie.

Again, you might wonder how to make a clown driving a van featuring ornate wood carvings creepier than that already sounds.  Well first, you make sure he’s not dressed in a proper clown suit.  Instead give him a trucker hat, a big pot belly, and the urge to dance.  Next, add a t-shirt that’s somehow both baggy and revealing, and throw in some sweat pants or jeans.  That way, he doesn’t look so much like a clown as he does a guy who painted his face after murdering his whole family while high on Jimson weed.  And f*ck it, how about a monkey hand puppet, just for sh*ts and giggles.  His van appears to be called the “Never Never Van.” Which I assume stands for “Never, never let your kids anywhere near this mobile sodomy dungeon.”

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