Spider-Man is one of these tools

Senior Editor
05.27.10 55 Comments

I know you can read a headline so I won’t beat around your bush: Sony has greenlit a 3D Spider-Man reboot with Mark Webb, but it still needs a star. The Hollywood Reporter says they’ve narrowed it down to these booger-cheeked milk babies.

— Jamie Bell [top left]: The 24-year-old English actor, who made his film debut playing the title character in “Billy Elliot,” has been doing the proper British actor thing in period movies such as “Nicholas Nickleby” and “Jane Eyre” (he’s also appeared in Hollywood movies such as Peter Jackson’s “King Kong” and Ed Zwick’s “Defiance”). More important, he’s already stepped into the comics world by portraying Tintin in Jackson and Steven Spielberg’s “The Adventures of Tintin” movie, which won’t hit screens until December 2011.  He loves pudding and says sandpaper is itchy.

— Alden Ehrenreich [top middle]: The Los Angeles-born 20-year-old has a juicy backstory, having been “discovered” by Spielberg, who saw a comedy video starring Ehrenreich at a bat mitzvah of his daughter’s friend. [A bat mitsvah? That IS juicy! *queefs*] A couple of TV appearances followed, but the actor’s next big leap came when he was cast by Francis Ford Coppola in 2009’s “Tetro.”  He’s had chicken pox six times and collects porcelain horse figurines.

— Frank Dillane [top right]: The 19-year-old Brit’s main credit is last year’s “Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince,” where he played a young Tom Riddle. Is a minor role in a “Potter” film a good springboard for a mega-franchise? It worked for Robert Pattinson.  He was once ranked sixth in the world at jump rope and is allergic to salt water.

— Andrew Garfield [bottom middle]: The L.A.-born actor had a short stint on a BBC TV series called “Sugar Rush” but gained notices for playing a young reporter in a gritty British TV movie trilogy titled “Red Riding.” The 27-year-old appeared in “The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus” and will be seen in David Fincher’s movie about Facebook, “The Social Network.”  As a child, he once spent two days trapped under a pile of cardboard boxes.

— Josh Hutcherson [bottom left]: The youngest actor of the bunch — he turns 18 this year — is also the one with the most experience. The past six years alone have seen the Kentucky-born kid rack up credits with key roles in Jon Favreau’s “Zathura,” drama “Bridge to Terabithia” and the upcoming “Red Dawn” remake. He appears in the Sundance hit “The Kids Are All Right,” which insider buzz suggests could be an Oscar contender, and starred with Brendan Fraser in “Journey to the Center of the Earth.”  Strangely, he was born with small slits in his neck like a gold fish.  [via THR (I may have paraphrased a little)]

So who do you think it’s gonna be?  Mini Daniel Craig? Shirty? Pig Pen? Spikes? Scarfsworth? The hemophiliac?  I’ll say this, it better not be the scarf kid.  He’s got a bad case of Punchable Face Syndrome.

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