Eat More Quiche, You Dummy


If there are two things in this big, confusing world that I know to be undeniably true, they are: One, breakfast food is the best food. That’s not to say other food is bad. Food is good, generally speaking, breakfast or otherwise. Some non-breakfast food is even great. Cheeseburgers are great. Milkshakes are great. Pizza, as we’ve discussed, is really great. I’m not here to defame lunch and dinner. I’m just stating the objective fact that the foods traditionally associated with breakfast — eggs prepared any number of ways, waffles, breakfast sandwiches served on biscuits and bagels, etc. — are the best, as a group. It’s why eating breakfast for dinner is fun and eating leftover ravioli at 7 a.m. is a cry for help. Suggesting otherwise is madness.

And two, the second thing I know to be undeniably true, is that you should be eating more quiche, you dummy.

Why aren’t you eating more quiche? Is it the name? Is that the problem, you boob? Are you worried that ordering it in front of your friends will cause them to break into bad French accents and mock you with a round of “oo la las”? Well, you need to get over that. And probably find new friends. Cool friends. Friends who eat quiche. Because here’s the thing you need to understand: Quiche is eggs and heavy cream baked into a buttery pastry crust. It’s a fluffy omelette in a pie. It’s an omelette pie. I understand that the word “quiche” sounds a little like the sound of a wet sock getting squeezed between a foot and a wet shoe, and that there’s this weird association you may have with it and fancy restaurants with white tablecloths and snooty waiters, but I think we can all get behind the concept of omelette pie.

And getting over the name is important, because the next thing I’m going to say increases the degree of difficulty a bit: Order Quiche Lorraine. Now, I hear you, with your mumbled words coming out of your big stupid head, “You want me to order a French thingy named after a lady?” Yes. Yes I do. Every time you see it on a menu. Because these are the ingredients in your basic Quiche Lorraine:

  • Pastry crust
  • Eggs
  • Heavy cream
  • Bacon
  • A lot of cheese

You like bacon, don’t you? And obnoxiously unhealthy dishes? Of course you do. You probably start whooping and grunting every time some spiky-haired Food Network host lowers his sunglasses and looks straight into the camera after putting a second slice of bacon on a triple cheeseburger with donuts for buns. There’s no reason you shouldn’t be eating Quiche Lorraine. It’s got everything you want. And it is delicious. So very, very delicious. Get a few drinks in me and I’ll start claiming Quiche Lorraine is a top 10 food, worldwide. Get a few more drinks in me and I’ll go top five and start cussing about it. This is something I’m passionate about.

In fact, the only real drawback to loving quiche is that — largely because of dummies like you who don’t order it — it’s not on enough menus. You usually only see it at quirky and/or high-end breakfast spots, which just perpetuates the stereotype that quiche is only for wealthy women and brunching mustachioed gentrifiers. This will not do. Quiche is for the people. Every diner in America should serve it. They have eggs and cream. They serve breakfast all day. They know how to bake pies, as evidenced by the slowly rotating glass-enclosed dessert showcases out front. It’s been right in front of their faces all along. Throw a quiche in one of those pie crusts, jerks!

I’m sorry to be coming at all of you so hard here, but I feel like it’s the only way I’ll ever get through to you on this. Quiche is so great, and no one ever talks about it. You can even make it at home. It’s not terribly hard. All you really need is a whisk and an oven. In fact, do that. Have your meathead friends over someday, the ones who mocked you for ordering quiche in the hypothetical scenario I assigned to you a few paragraphs ago. Bake up a Quiche Lorraine. Serve it to them in big slices, with no silverware so they have to eat it with their hands. Tell them it’s a dish from the website for a spiky-haired Food Network chef and that it’s called “Bacon Omelette Pie.” Then when they finish it and rave about it, stand up in front of all them, look them in their stupid, stupid eyes, and shout “You just ate quiche, dummies!”

This is how we win over America.