We Tried Starbucks’ Tie-Dye Frappuccino And Found It Objectively Awful

07.12.19 1 month ago

Starbucks/Uproxx

Ugh, Starbucks — take a seat and close the door, we need to talk. Look, I don’t know when you started degrading your own brand by making drinks for Instagram posts, but there was a time when you at least pretended to be about quality. Can we go back to those times, please? The times when you boasted about dark roasts and arabica beans like if they were some sort unique feature, proudly displaying photos of coffee farmers in your stores, rather than big close up portraits of your own drinks. Because this new thing you’re doing, it’s not a good look. You’re capitalizing on the darkest aspect of our modern culture: the desperate and ultimately empty search for likes and internet clout.

Starbucks, how do you sleep at night? Probably not well with this combo of caffeine and sugar coursing through your veins.

If you think I’m taking the Starbucks’ new Tie-Dye Frappuccino entirely too seriously, you’ve never tasted one and subsequently arrived at the bottom of a plastic cup with deep feelings of hopelessness. Global climate change, species collapse, ocean acidification — when future generations land on a barren earth to figure out “how it all went wrong,” all they’ll find is the dye from a Starbucks stunt drink, swirling in a lifeless sea.

So, what did it taste like? Excuse me, are you listening to anything I’m saying?! We. Are. All. Dying. END POST.

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Oh, hey. So um… I woke up from a two-hour midday nap and I’m feeling a whole lot more chill about the Starbucks Tie-Dye Frappuccino thing. Does that mean I think it tasted good? No, not at all, it’s still terrible, absolutely do not drink this, I bought it only so you wouldn’t have to. But is it a harbinger of the apocalypse? Perhaps not.

I purposely avoided any press materials regarding the Starbucks Tie-Dye Frappuccino before I had my first taste, I wanted to go into the experience completely blind to see if I could figure out the flavor on my own. I couldn’t. A few years back I threw a tie-dye party. A bunch of friends got together and we made tie-dye clothes for the summer. The process is actually incredibly easy, it just requires a white shirt, some rubber bands, and a few buckets of dye in water. The water in those buckets both looks more appetizing and definitely tastes better (don’t ask) than the Starbucks Tie-Dye Frappuccino.

Dane Rivera

Color. Not as advertised.

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