Movies

Please Consider Adding At Least One Muppet To The ‘Fast & Furious’ Family

The Fast & Furious franchise, at this point, heading into its tenth and allegedly final film, is limited only by its own imagination. Look at how far we’ve all already come. The first movie was about Vin Diesel and his crew stealing DVD players, which is kind of hilarious in hindsight. There was a nuclear submarine in the eighth movie. Ludacris and Tyrese went to space in the ninth. Han’s death was depicted on-screen two separate times with two separate explanations, and now he’s back, again, working alongside the man who tried to murder him, who is played by Jason Statham, whose mother in the franchise is played by Dame Helen Mirren. Charlize Theron plays a cyberterrorist who has had both braids and a bowl cut. Anything is possible here.

And so, if we accept that this is a universe where anything is possible, the logical follow-up question becomes: Where do we go from here? What can the final film do that would truly catch the audience off-guard in a thrilling way? My position on this is that Jason Momoa — recently added to the cast, of course — should play Satan and Vin Diesel should drive a muscle car to Hell and defeat him with a wrench. But there are other options. Lots of them. I have so many ideas. Like, for example, this one…

The time has come for at least one Muppet to join the Fast & Furious family.

I’m serious here. Kind of. I am kind of serious. Let’s toss one or more Muppets into the stew. The energy is the same in the two universes, with whimsy and chaos and death-defying stunts. Maybe that last one feels like a stretch to you. I assure you, it is not. Vin Diesel once flew across the Abu Dhabi sky in a stolen luxury car that crashed through windows from one skyscraper to another. Miss Piggy did this in The Great Muppet Caper.

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Disney+

My point here, to the extent I have one, is this: The Muppets and the Fast Family not so different, really.

But you probably want some suggestions. Right? You want a few ideas for simple ways to loop the Muppets into the Fast & Furious universe? Buddy, I sure hope so, because I have a bunch. A reasonable argument can be made that I’ve put more thought into this than I have into any present I’ve ever purchased for a loved one. I feel okay about it. Here we go…

— We add Animal and put him behind the wheel of a NoS-fueled neon Honda for a car chase and we put Tyrese next to him in the passenger seat so Tyrese can do his whole “Are you serious right now?” thing, where his character is always shocked by the events unfolding in front of him even though, once again, his character has been to outer space in a Pontiac

— Kermit shows up to a gala in Monte Carlo wearing a tuxedo and Michele Rodriguez becomes a little smitten by him — continuing a long tradition of humans falling in love with Muppets, with the most famous example being Charles Grodin and Miss Piggy, probably — and Vin Diesel begins raging with jealousy to the point that it almost tears the entire Family apart

— Alternatively, or possibly additionally, the villain Jason Momoa is playing could fall in love with Miss Piggy and she could be sent to an underground Tasmanian speedboat race to woo him and infiltrate his organization, possibly using a fake identity, possibly featuring a name like Jasmine St. Aspen or Veronica Ferrari, and yes, I do think Jason Momoa would be incredible at playing a villain who is lovestruck by Miss Piggy

— Gonzo shows up at the very beginning, stares dead into the camera, and proceeds to narrate the entire film to the audience in character as Charles Dickens, just like he did in The Muppet Christmas Carol, with Rizzo the Rat by his side

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Jim Henson Productions

— Kurt Russell’s Mr. Nobody character explains that they can’t breach the villain’s compound without some high-tech spoofing device to get past the gate, and Ludacris says “Lemme talk to my guys in the lab,” and then blammo, smash cut to Ludacris with Bunson and Beaker, all holding blowtorches in an extended montage set to literally any Pitbull song

— During a break in the action, maybe on a private plane that is flying from one scenic location to another, Jason Statham’s character explains his entire arc — sworn nemesis who tried to kill everyone for what they did to his brother only to reverse course and join the Family later on even though he was thought to have murdered Han, who has actually secretly been alive the whole time — to an incredulous Fozzie Bear

— We keep everything about the film human-only and Muppet-free until the very last scene, where we catch up with everyone for one final Family barbecue and look over Vin Diesel’s shoulder as he’s saying grace and see that the grill is being manned by the Swedish Chef

These are just some possibilities. I can think up some more. I will almost definitely think up some more. It might be all I think from now until I see the movie. Vin Diesel, if you are still reading, please consider this. Please consider adding a Muppet to the Fast family. For me. For us. For everyone.

But mostly for me.

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