Here are some takeaways from The Meg (directed by John Turteltaub):
1. For a shark the size of a zeppelin, she’s surprisingly good at sneaking up on people. Really a lot more jump scares than you’d expect for a giant shark movie. She’s always popping into frame like surprise, bitch, I’m a shark!
2. If you were making a movie about a giant CGI shark, you’d think that one of the first things you’d get worked out is how to use CGI to create a giant shark. And yet, most of the actual giant shark CGI in The Meg is pretty bad. Its biggest weakness, oddly, is the inability to give the shark a sense of scale. It’s like a landscape painter who’s bad at trees.
3. The Meg, whose pitch I imagine was something along the lines of “what if shark big,” has three credited screenwriters.
All that being said, probably the greatest thing about The Meg is that it’s a movie about Jason Statham fighting a giant shark. I watched the whole thing in a state of expectant wonder, thinking “my God, they’re really going to figure out a way to have Jason Statham kill a giant prehistoric shark with his bare hands, aren’t they.”
The Meg is kind of like Jaws meets Birdemic. It’s kind of like Jaws meets Jaws. It’s kind of like Jaws on steroids. It’s kind of like Jaws on steroids and Monster energy drink, with a script run through Google Translate. The Meg is magnificent. The Meg is the friends we made along the way.
Jason Statham plays Jonas Taylor, a guy who yells at people trapped in submersibles, shouting “Reynolds? Talk to me,” into a walkie-talkie, which seems like a very particular skill. Or, as he’s described in the press notes, “a deep-sea rescue diver.” This would seem to be perfect role for Jason Statham, on account of he’s actually a former diver and is also Jason Statham.