We Kept a Running Diary While Watching ‘The Emoji Movie’ And It Was Pretty Miserable

On Thursday, my friend and colleague, Matt Singer, suggested I should see The Emoji Movie. I want to be clear, it wasn’t necessarily a recommendation because he liked it (he did not), but just said it was something I should probably see. And, unsurprisingly, this intrigued me enough that on Friday morning I paid to see The Emoji Movie at a theater on Manhattan’s Upper East Side. While watching, I kept a running diary of my experiences while watching The Emoji Movie. Heres’ how that all went.

10:17 a.m.: There are a surprising amount of people here to see The Emoji Movie first thing on a Friday.

10:23 a.m.: Okay, like 50 people just poured into this theater. This is some sort of field trip. A field trip to see The Emoji Movie

10:27 a.m.: There are around 100 people in here now.

10:28 a.m.: Judging fro this crowd, The Emoji Movie will be the biggest movie of 2017.

10:28 a.m.: Watch out Star Wars.

10:29 a.m.: I’ve now seen two trailers in which Jackie Chan is doing voice work.

10:32 a.m.: The crowd seems to like what they see from the trailer for Jumanji. I think I liked it.

10:34 a.m.: Okay, it’s time to watch some emojis.

10:34 a.m.: Or not. There’s something called Puppy. What is this?

10:35 a.m.: Why am I watching the characters from Hotel Transylvania? What is happening?

10:35 a.m.: Adam Sandler bought a large puppy.

10:38 a.m.: The puppy just slaughtered a family.

10:38 a.m.: The end.

10:38 a.m.: Well that was uplifting.

10:39 a.m.: I think The Emoji Movie is starting for real this time.

10:41 a.m.: I’m already regretting this decision.

10:43 a.m.: Another group of approximately 30 kids just walked in. I am so perplexed by this.

10:44 a.m.: There is an Australian shrimp emoji. He made a “shrimp on the barbie” joke.

10:45 a.m.: Poop, as voiced by Sir Patrick Stewart, just showed up.

10:45 a.m.: Poop made a “number two” joke and one person in the theater laughed really loud.

10:49 a.m.: James Corden is in this movie.

10:50 a.m.: We learn that T.J. Miller’s Meh emoji can’t make the “meh” face. He’s sad about this and this is literally the plot of the movie.

10:50 a.m.: Whoever came up with the idea for this movie should be in prison.

10:51 a.m.: Fun fact: it’s really hot in this jam packed theater.

10:55 a.m.: I would purchase a Blu-ray of Patrick Stewart yelling at his agent between takes.

10:57 a.m.: The meh emoji is named Gene. Because Gene can’t do his job properly, he’s just been informed he’s going to be executed. This is grim.

10:59 a.m.: The basic structure of this movie is very confusing. I could write 1000 words about how the work/life balance of each emoji makes no sense. I mean, I won’t be doing that, but I could. The gist is that each emoji has to show up to a big stage every time the phone user uses an emoji. This seems very inefficient. My gosh, I really could keep going. I’m going to stop though.

11:01 a.m.: I’m openly rooting for Gene to be executed.

11:02 a.m.: In a shocking twist, the audience for this movie didn’t laugh at the Pong reference.

11:02 a.m.: It turns out a “Bye, Felica” reference went over about as well as the Pong reference. I’m shocked the audience for The Emoji Movie hasn’t seen Friday.

11:03 a.m.: An elderly woman just came in and sat down next to me. I have so many questions about this.

11:04 a.m.: Honestly, I can’t believe how quiet it is in this theater. It’s filled with over 100 children and no one is making a sound.

11:05 a.m.: As it turns out, this audience also didn’t get the Twisted Sister reference.

11:08 a.m.: I’m now watching a commercial for Candy Crush.

11:11 a.m.: This movie is dull.

11:16 a.m.: “How The Emoji Movie Represents Trump’s America.”

11:16 a.m.: Sorry, I’m just spitballing terrible titles for this piece.

11:17 a.m.: I just accidentally made an audible yawning sound because I forgot there was anyone else in here because it’s so quiet.

11:18 a.m.: Nope, the reference to Michael Jackson’s glove wasn’t a big hit either.

11:23 a.m.: The emojis are having a live or death dance off set to The Trammps’ “Disco Inferno.”

11:27 a.m.: I think James Corden just died.

11:27 a.m.: Spoiler.

11:28 a.m.: He didn’t die.

11:28 a.m.: Spoiler.

11:30 a.m.: The biggest laugh of the movie so far just came when Major Lazor’s “Bubble Butt” started playing.

11:31 a.m.: I should mention the reason Major Lazor’s “Bubble Butt” is playing is because the emojis are now hanging out in the Spotify app.

11:35 a.m.: Why?

11:35 a.m.: I’m starting to think Matt Singer secretly hates me.

11:36 a.m.: The emojis are trying to make it trough a firewall – which I am pretending is a reference to the 2006 Harrison Ford movie because that makes about as much sense as anything else.

11:37 a.m.: I bet the firewall is cooler than this theater.

11:37 a.m.: The emojis are now in the cloud.

11:37 a.m.: I wish I were in the cloud.

11:40 a.m.: A baby is crying.

11:40 a.m.: A baby is crying very loudly and it’s so hot in here.

11:41 a.m.: It’s like I’m on an awful, overcrowded flight only I can just leave anytime I want.

11:41 a.m.: This baby is really going for it.

11:41 a.m.: The crying baby gets it.

11:41 a.m.: This is by far the most interesting that that has happened so far during The Emoji Movie.

11:45 a.m.: The Twitter bird just showed up. It legitimately put me in a bad mood.

11:49 a.m.: The Emoji Movie is now showing a highlight montage of all the scenes I just watched over the last 70 minutes.

11:54 a.m.: After the climatic scene, six people applauded.

11:55 a.m.: Is it over?

11:55 a.m.: It’s not over.

11:55 a.m.:

11:58 a.m.: Now it’s over.

11:59 a.m.: On the way out, an employee handed me a free movie pass because of the heat. It’s a do-over. It’s like this never happened. I’m even Steven! I’m going to pretend this never happened.

12:03 p.m.: It’s not working. I can still remember The Emoji Movie.

You can contact Mike Ryan directly on Twitter.