On Thursday, my friend and colleague, Matt Singer, suggested I should see The Emoji Movie. I want to be clear, it wasn’t necessarily a recommendation because he liked it (he did not), but just said it was something I should probably see. And, unsurprisingly, this intrigued me enough that on Friday morning I paid to see The Emoji Movie at a theater on Manhattan’s Upper East Side. While watching, I kept a running diary of my experiences while watching The Emoji Movie. Heres’ how that all went.
10:17 a.m.: There are a surprising amount of people here to see The Emoji Movie first thing on a Friday.
10:23 a.m.: Okay, like 50 people just poured into this theater. This is some sort of field trip. A field trip to see The Emoji Movie
10:27 a.m.: There are around 100 people in here now.
10:28 a.m.: Judging fro this crowd, The Emoji Movie will be the biggest movie of 2017.
10:28 a.m.: Watch out Star Wars.
10:29 a.m.: I’ve now seen two trailers in which Jackie Chan is doing voice work.
10:32 a.m.: The crowd seems to like what they see from the trailer for Jumanji. I think I liked it.
10:34 a.m.: Okay, it’s time to watch some emojis.
10:34 a.m.: Or not. There’s something called Puppy. What is this?
10:35 a.m.: Why am I watching the characters from Hotel Transylvania? What is happening?
10:35 a.m.: Adam Sandler bought a large puppy.
10:38 a.m.: The puppy just slaughtered a family.
10:38 a.m.: The end.
10:38 a.m.: Well that was uplifting.
10:39 a.m.: I think The Emoji Movie is starting for real this time.
10:41 a.m.: I’m already regretting this decision.
10:43 a.m.: Another group of approximately 30 kids just walked in. I am so perplexed by this.
10:44 a.m.: There is an Australian shrimp emoji. He made a “shrimp on the barbie” joke.
10:45 a.m.: Poop, as voiced by Sir Patrick Stewart, just showed up.
10:45 a.m.: Poop made a “number two” joke and one person in the theater laughed really loud.
10:49 a.m.: James Corden is in this movie.
10:50 a.m.: We learn that T.J. Miller’s Meh emoji can’t make the “meh” face. He’s sad about this and this is literally the plot of the movie.
10:50 a.m.: Whoever came up with the idea for this movie should be in prison.
10:51 a.m.: Fun fact: it’s really hot in this jam packed theater.
10:55 a.m.: I would purchase a Blu-ray of Patrick Stewart yelling at his agent between takes.
10:57 a.m.: The meh emoji is named Gene. Because Gene can’t do his job properly, he’s just been informed he’s going to be executed. This is grim.
10:59 a.m.: The basic structure of this movie is very confusing. I could write 1000 words about how the work/life balance of each emoji makes no sense. I mean, I won’t be doing that, but I could. The gist is that each emoji has to show up to a big stage every time the phone user uses an emoji. This seems very inefficient. My gosh, I really could keep going. I’m going to stop though.
11:01 a.m.: I’m openly rooting for Gene to be executed.
11:02 a.m.: In a shocking twist, the audience for this movie didn’t laugh at the Pong reference.
11:02 a.m.: It turns out a “Bye, Felica” reference went over about as well as the Pong reference. I’m shocked the audience for The Emoji Movie hasn’t seen Friday.
11:03 a.m.: An elderly woman just came in and sat down next to me. I have so many questions about this.
11:04 a.m.: Honestly, I can’t believe how quiet it is in this theater. It’s filled with over 100 children and no one is making a sound.
11:05 a.m.: As it turns out, this audience also didn’t get the Twisted Sister reference.
11:08 a.m.: I’m now watching a commercial for Candy Crush.
11:11 a.m.: This movie is dull.
11:16 a.m.: “How The Emoji Movie Represents Trump’s America.”
11:16 a.m.: Sorry, I’m just spitballing terrible titles for this piece.
11:17 a.m.: I just accidentally made an audible yawning sound because I forgot there was anyone else in here because it’s so quiet.
11:18 a.m.: Nope, the reference to Michael Jackson’s glove wasn’t a big hit either.
11:23 a.m.: The emojis are having a live or death dance off set to The Trammps’ “Disco Inferno.”
11:27 a.m.: I think James Corden just died.
11:27 a.m.: Spoiler.
11:28 a.m.: He didn’t die.
11:28 a.m.: Spoiler.
11:30 a.m.: The biggest laugh of the movie so far just came when Major Lazor’s “Bubble Butt” started playing.
11:31 a.m.: I should mention the reason Major Lazor’s “Bubble Butt” is playing is because the emojis are now hanging out in the Spotify app.
11:35 a.m.: Why?
11:35 a.m.: I’m starting to think Matt Singer secretly hates me.
11:36 a.m.: The emojis are trying to make it trough a firewall – which I am pretending is a reference to the 2006 Harrison Ford movie because that makes about as much sense as anything else.
11:37 a.m.: I bet the firewall is cooler than this theater.
11:37 a.m.: The emojis are now in the cloud.
11:37 a.m.: I wish I were in the cloud.
11:40 a.m.: A baby is crying.
11:40 a.m.: A baby is crying very loudly and it’s so hot in here.
11:41 a.m.: It’s like I’m on an awful, overcrowded flight only I can just leave anytime I want.
11:41 a.m.: This baby is really going for it.
11:41 a.m.: The crying baby gets it.
11:41 a.m.: This is by far the most interesting that that has happened so far during The Emoji Movie.
11:45 a.m.: The Twitter bird just showed up. It legitimately put me in a bad mood.
11:49 a.m.: The Emoji Movie is now showing a highlight montage of all the scenes I just watched over the last 70 minutes.
11:54 a.m.: After the climatic scene, six people applauded.
11:55 a.m.: Is it over?
11:55 a.m.: It’s not over.
11:55 a.m.: ☹
11:58 a.m.: Now it’s over.
11:59 a.m.: On the way out, an employee handed me a free movie pass because of the heat. It’s a do-over. It’s like this never happened. I’m even Steven! I’m going to pretend this never happened.
12:03 p.m.: It’s not working. I can still remember The Emoji Movie.
You can contact Mike Ryan directly on Twitter.