The facts here are simple:
– Ryan Murphy is now producing an FX limited series called Feud. The series — his third limited series at the network, in addition to American Stories, Crime and Horror — focuses on famous feuds in Hollywood and beyond, with the first season diving into the relationship between Joan Crawford and Bette Davis (played by Jessica Lange and Susan Sarandon, respectively) before, during, and after the production of the 1962 film What Ever Happened to Baby Jane? Season two has already been ordered and will focus on the British royal family when Diana was married to Prince Charles.
– On August 8, 2016, Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson posted the following message on his Instagram page:
This is my final week of shooting #FastAndFurious8. There’s no other franchise that gets my blood boiling more than this one. An incredible hard working crew. UNIVERSAL has been great partners as well. My female co-stars are always amazing and I love ’em. My male co-stars however are a different story. Some conduct themselves as stand up men and true professionals, while others don’t. The ones that don’t are too chicken shit to do anything about it anyway. Candy asses. When you watch this movie next April and it seems like I’m not acting in some of these scenes and my blood is legit boiling – you’re right. Bottom line is it’ll play great for the movie and fits this Hobbs character that’s embedded in my DNA extremely well. The producer in me is happy about this part😉. Final week on FAST 8 and I’ll finish strong. #IcemanCometh #F8#ZeroToleranceForCandyAsses
In the days after, it was suspected, rumored, and basically confirmed that the target of this message was Fast & Furious star and producer Vin Diesel. Just recently, there was a report that the two were being kept apart on the press tour, which led to a number of headlines that mentioned “the Diesel-Rock beef.”
– A beef is a feud.
Taken separately, these are all interesting and true statements worthy of discussion. Especially the last one, because it’s a kind of “all squares are rectangles but not all rectangles are squares” situation. There are feuds that are not beefs, but there are no beefs that are not feuds. It’s hard to explain. There’s a whole formula involved, one factor of which is how much weight the people involved can squat at the gym. But again, another discussion for another day. What’s important here is that these three facts, when taken together, lead to only one logical conclusion: Ryan Murphy must make a season of Feud about this situation with Vin Diesel and The Rock.
This much should be obvious. In the event you need convincing, though, and especially if you need convincing and are also Feud executive producer Ryan Murphy, allow me to present my case in five easy parts.
NUMBER ONE: I would like it
I would like it so much. You cannot even fathom how much I would like it. You’re probably sitting there thinking “Oh, I think I get it, based largely on the fact that you’re writing this post about it, which is weird, and something you wouldn’t be wasting time on if you weren’t passionate about it to a borderline disquieting degree.” But trust me, you do not. I would like it so, so much. I would watch every episode in absolute darkness, inside a soundproof room, to guarantee that nothing disturbs me. It would be that important to me.
The reason I would like it so much is because I must know everything about this beef. I must know every last detail about how it started. I must know where Jason Statham stands on it, and why. I must know if Tyrese started acting out on set like a rebellious teen who picks up smoking when his parents’ marriage falls apart. And I would prefer to learn it all through the lens of a gratuitously dramatic Ryan Murphy limited series. Remember The People v. O.J. Simpson? Remember all the terrific performances punctuated by David Schwimmer calling O.J. “Juice” like eight times per episode? Remember every single thing John Travolta did? I want that, but for this. The full Murphy.