Movies

We Need A Season Of ‘Feud’ About The Beef Between The Rock And Vin Diesel


The facts here are simple:

– Ryan Murphy is now producing an FX limited series called Feud. The series — his third limited series at the network, in addition to American Stories, Crime and Horror — focuses on famous feuds in Hollywood and beyond, with the first season diving into the relationship between Joan Crawford and Bette Davis (played by Jessica Lange and Susan Sarandon, respectively) before, during, and after the production of the 1962 film What Ever Happened to Baby Jane? Season two has already been ordered and will focus on the British royal family when Diana was married to Prince Charles.

– On August 8, 2016, Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson posted the following message on his Instagram page:

This is my final week of shooting #FastAndFurious8. There’s no other franchise that gets my blood boiling more than this one. An incredible hard working crew. UNIVERSAL has been great partners as well. My female co-stars are always amazing and I love ’em. My male co-stars however are a different story. Some conduct themselves as stand up men and true professionals, while others don’t. The ones that don’t are too chicken shit to do anything about it anyway. Candy asses. When you watch this movie next April and it seems like I’m not acting in some of these scenes and my blood is legit boiling – you’re right. Bottom line is it’ll play great for the movie and fits this Hobbs character that’s embedded in my DNA extremely well. The producer in me is happy about this part?. Final week on FAST 8 and I’ll finish strong. #IcemanCometh #F8#ZeroToleranceForCandyAsses

In the days after, it was suspected, rumored, and basically confirmed that the target of this message was Fast & Furious star and producer Vin Diesel. Just recently, there was a report that the two were being kept apart on the press tour, which led to a number of headlines that mentioned “the Diesel-Rock beef.”

– A beef is a feud.

Taken separately, these are all interesting and true statements worthy of discussion. Especially the last one, because it’s a kind of “all squares are rectangles but not all rectangles are squares” situation. There are feuds that are not beefs, but there are no beefs that are not feuds. It’s hard to explain. There’s a whole formula involved, one factor of which is how much weight the people involved can squat at the gym. But again, another discussion for another day. What’s important here is that these three facts, when taken together, lead to only one logical conclusion: Ryan Murphy must make a season of Feud about this situation with Vin Diesel and The Rock.

This much should be obvious. In the event you need convincing, though, and especially if you need convincing and are also Feud executive producer Ryan Murphy, allow me to present my case in five easy parts.

NUMBER ONE: I would like it

I would like it so much. You cannot even fathom how much I would like it. You’re probably sitting there thinking “Oh, I think I get it, based largely on the fact that you’re writing this post about it, which is weird, and something you wouldn’t be wasting time on if you weren’t passionate about it to a borderline disquieting degree.” But trust me, you do not. I would like it so, so much. I would watch every episode in absolute darkness, inside a soundproof room, to guarantee that nothing disturbs me. It would be that important to me.

The reason I would like it so much is because I must know everything about this beef. I must know every last detail about how it started. I must know where Jason Statham stands on it, and why. I must know if Tyrese started acting out on set like a rebellious teen who picks up smoking when his parents’ marriage falls apart. And I would prefer to learn it all through the lens of a gratuitously dramatic Ryan Murphy limited series. Remember The People v. O.J. Simpson? Remember all the terrific performances punctuated by David Schwimmer calling O.J. “Juice” like eight times per episode? Remember every single thing John Travolta did? I want that, but for this. The full Murphy.


NUMBER TWO: Other people would probably like it

I suppose this is important, too.

NUMBER THREE: Think of the casting decisions

Oh my God. Really. Think about this. This is the best part. A series about the on-set feud between Fate of the Furious stars Vin Diesel and Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson would require the producer to cast actors as Vin Diesel and The Rock. And not just any actors, in all likelihood. Stars. Ryan Murphy loves stars. Big names. Travolta, Sarandon, Nathan Lane, people you know and recognize. Who in the world could he get to play Vin Diesel and The Rock? I honestly don’t know, but the whole thing excites me. Like, did you realize Vin Diesel and Paul Giamatti are the same age, born just weeks apart. I’m not saying Paul Giamatti should play Vin Diesel in a limited series about Vin Diesel feuding with The Rock, but I’m also not not saying it. It would work out, age-wise. And it would be amazing. That’s all.

But the real fun here would be the casting of The Rock. The whole point of The Rock is that no other human has his combination of charisma and size. The closest thing you could get is probably… who, Jason Momoa? Khal Drogo as The Rock? It would work, I guess. But he might not be a big enough get. Maybe they go a different route. Maybe Ryan Murphy puts Sarah Paulson in a bald cap and muscle suit. The possibilities here are limitless and like 90 percent of them are perfect in their own way.

And this is before we even get to the part where there would also need to be actors cast as Jason Statham, Ludacris, Tyrese, and Charlize Theron, among others. I choose to believe Christopher Meloni would play Statham, kind of a “What if Stabler from SVU had a British accent?” situation. I don’t know why I believe this. It doesn’t even make all that much sense. But I do.

NUMBER FOUR: What if the show just brings back Jessica Lange and Susan Sarandon to play the lead feuding characters every season, and they play Vin Diesel and The Rock in this one?

Sarandon as Vin Diesel.

NUMBER FIVE: Even if their feud is totally fake, the show would still be good

Some people have speculated, largely because of The Rock’s history as a professional wrestler, that this whole thing is a WWE-style concoction, created solely to stir up hype for the movie. I tend to lean toward it being real, both because the Fast & Furious franchise is already hugely popular on its own and because I want it to be real so very much. Even if it’s not, this is all still fascinating. You’re telling me you wouldn’t watch a limited series about Vin Diesel and The Rock fabricating a beef on the set of a hugely anticipated summer blockbuster that features cars driving on a sheet of ice to flee a submarine? Don’t be insane. Of course you would watch that.

Picture them sneaking around the set to plan it out and then following through between takes, flipping craft service tables in highly choreographed fits of rage. What if no one else knew they were doing it? What if this is all their secret? To be honest, this might even be a better show than one about the alleged real feud.

I think you see my point here. We need this show. We deserve this show. Let’s make this happen.

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