09.25.08 10 years ago 11 Comments

Performance-enhancing drugs have plagued our sporting landscape for decades, but now the pervasive evil has even crept into the sport we all hold most sacred: race walking.  Five Russians failed drug tests in April and now face two-year suspensions.

Sergei Morozov, Viktor Burayev, Vladimir Kanaikin, Igor Yerokhin and Alexei Voevodin were sanctioned by the national federation for testing positive for the endurance-enhancing hormone EPO, the All Sport news agency said Tuesday.

Morozov holds the world record in the 20 kilometer walk, and Kanaikin is the former record holder in the event. Voevodin was the bronze medalist in the 50K walk at the 2004 Athens Olympics.

I don’t know about the rest of you, but I am furious.  Furious that there are Olympic events for walking 12 miles and walking 30 miles. Run, you assholes!  Just run!

I’ve spent the last half hour trying to think of possible sporting events as dumb as race walking, and so far all I’ve got is a car race where everyone has to drive the speed limit.  Or maybe a bounce pass competition during NBA All-Star Weekend.  What I’m saying is, I spend all day telling the stupidest jokes possible, and nothing in my imagination is as dumb as people walking competitively.

[Steady Burn]

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