05.18.07 11 years ago 11 Comments

Is there anything worse in the sports media than completely senseless weekly power rankings?  Well, yes: Bill Simmons's podcast. And also people who actually have some kind of emotional investment in power rankings.

Do you care about other people's power rankings? If you answered yes, then you are a dipshit. If not, then these are the power rankings for you.

1. The usual.

2. The art of athletic massage.  Hey ladies, who wants some massage oil?

3. Quarterbacks.  The week in photos: Carson Palmer sucks on a wiener, Brady Quinn's inspired by the Village People, and Tony Romo needs a red carpet fashion consultant.

4. Belgian politics.  Specifically, Tania Dervaux.  She could solve a lot of problems in America.  Like the nation's tragic boner epidemic.

5. Mormons.  They're XTREME!  And the Jazz closed out the Warriors, which counts for something.

6. Reggie Bush.  He's living on the edge by nailing Kim Kardashian.  Definitely risky, but in the end, probably worth it.  He's a running back — he'll be dead by 33 anyway.

7. Soccer.  Much less boring when played in the mud by hot chicks in underwear.  Brunettes versus blondes again?

8. Breakdancing.  Thank you, thank you, thank you for kicking that adorable toddler

9. Ladder racing.  Someone must have been awfully bored. 

10. New features!  The weekly Power Rankings will now end with a random YouTube video of my choosing.  This week, following the resounding backlash at KSK when I shared Episodes 1 and 2 of "Planet Unicorn," I've decided to share Episode 3 here.  

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